Friday, 30 June 2017

Offside now on Wordpress!

A new chapter of Offside will now be published every Friday on Wordpress!

Offside is about football, love, small town misery and ranting how much your team sucks.

https://graspthesanity.wordpress.com/2017/06/30/offside-chapter-1/

Sunday, 25 June 2017

Sunday, 28 May 2017

Third chapter of Saudade up

Life-changing events aren't always what they seem. The aftermath of an encounter with an ex-boyfriend.

https://graspthesanity.wordpress.com/2017/05/26/saudade-chapter-3/

Friday, 19 May 2017

New Chapter of Saudade

There's a new chapter up of Saudade and trust me, you wouldn't want to miss this one if you've enjoyed my sex scenes in the past.

https://graspthesanity.wordpress.com/2017/05/19/saudade-chapter-2/

<3

Jamie

Saturday, 13 May 2017

New Fiction Blog

I'm very happy to announce that I will be moving onwards to fiction now. It's both very exciting and sad to leave fanfiction as my main focus.

This blog will remain, with less frequent updates.

I've been writing stories which are heavily drifting from canon for a good few years now, so I decided to do the final leap. Many of stories which were way too deviant from canon here will be found there as well, getting a new life without the fanfiction restraints.

I am forever thankful and grateful for all the support, love I've had for past 6.5 years of this blog.

https://graspthesanity.wordpress.com/2017/05/12/saudade/

<3

Jamie

Thursday, 27 April 2017

Watch This Space

I'm happy to announce that there will be something big coming up very soon!

I know I've been pretty absent the past year due to mental health issues, but now I'm back on track with meds. I took some time off to think about this blog, but I never quit writing and even got back with something pretty big.

I've had this blog for nearly 7 years now and it's time for an upgrade.

Watch this space for something exciting!

Thursday, 9 February 2017

To Miles 61

 I wasn't able to avoid him for long and when I saw him, my confidence had plummeted even after all the jokes Jamie had done as we were walking back to the port. He looked very tired and irritated, not talking to anyone else and we were all about to head over to bed. I knew that it wouldn't take long until I would be able to go back to Jamie's and just continue the soft conversations or maybe something rough, but he had spoken enough of Miles and if more would be said it would've been plain rehashing than something else. We just made eye contact and Miles looked away. I knew how hard everything had been and the kiss we shared seemed something that the man didn't even want to entertain the possibility of.

I wondered what the hell was going through his mind, as Jonny turned off the light for all of us, nodding for Carlos to stop recruiting for the drag show, which plenty had agreed to do already. I even ended up watching his back turned to me, as I waited for the lights to turn off. He was the last thing I saw. As usual I just waited until the breathing would even and some snores would be heard. I gave it another few minutes and I stood up, just as quietly as usual and I heard some moves from Miles' bed.

I kept on going, before I heard footsteps behind me. He was surely not asleep as I turned around, but still went out, figuring that I could simply go to the bathroom and back. Miles followed me into the light as I opened the door, looking down.

I didn't know what to expect or rather if to expect much, as I stopped and turned around to face the Chief Petty Officer. Miles gave out a small cough and just stared at me. His emotions were not shown on his face, he seemed to be thinking what would his move even be.

“You going to Hince's then? As every fucking night? Don't you get bored?” He asks in a rather loud voice, so I just look around to see no one even close to us. We're alone for this stupid showdown, where I have no energy and at this point I even feel like I'd just sleep besides Jamie. Then something flashes through his mind. “Did you even tell him that we kissed?”

“What about all the other men you send off?” He continues. “Doesn't he ever get jealous or do you get a pass for everything, Turner?”

I wish it were dark and I could just avoid him, as if he were some ghost or a minor nuisance, but the problem is once you're haunted, you're fucked for good. And he's surely not one to let go of grudges from his life. As I listen to him, I am pissed off, but I try to put myself in his shoes. What the fuck is pissing him off so much? I can't come up with an answer and I know that it was my turn to speak to his insults, which are just going on and on.

“Miles.” I pause and look at him. I'm a whore. I've made out with this man, just because and I've briefly had a love affair with him. I destroyed it with my own hands and took his former lover. “Is it because you found out about Jamie's divorce?”

I shoot in the dark and I maybe can possibly hear a wounded animal?

Miles looks taken back. Maybe he did finally notice the lack of a ring on Jamie's finger during an inspection. That would explain Miles' rudeness and it was something that poor Miles only dreamed off as an adolescent and here I was, getting it in a few months after dating. I didn't know if I actually felt sorry for him, all I knew was that I just wanted his pettiness to stop.

“What do you mean Hince is divorced?” I don't know if he's faking it or maybe he didn't notice, but I doubt, I'd be looking in his place. Maybe he thought they separated or something, maybe he thought that the ring was just lost or gone. Maybe he never noticed at all.

I decide to look confused.

“Hince is divorced.” I just shrug my shoulders, as if it's no big deal and I'm still not too comfortable from the fact that I have to talk to him in the corridor for everyone to hear and spy on, well, if someone is interested in the Captain's personal life that is. I never actually asked if he has some fake girl's photo just to say that he's dating someone new or maybe he just pretends to be single and heartbroken, while taking it up the ass. I keep looking around to make sure that no one is indeed listening to us.

Miles looks up, probably thinking if he should cause another turmoil to the Captain. I'm guessing he decides that he should, as he starts walking out of the corridor and up the stairs to get into the bridge. I just follow him, silently for a second, as I try to even ponder what the fuck can I even say.

“Miles, what exactly are you up to?” He turns around right after I ask it, but doesn't stop going up the stairs. I really thought I'd always be the only one to disturb poor Jamie from his sleep. “Don't you think that he's not particularly thrilled to see you?”

“That would explain why Alison isn't replying to me. She's probably bawling her eyes out that he ditched her for some young queer.” He mutters angrily. I feel taken back, he really does know nothing and Alison just decided to avoid him all together, which even without knowing her seems to be in character, since she hid Lana so well. “He was married with children, Alex. Did your cock have no decency?”

“Did your cock ever have any decency, Kane?” I shoot it right back at him and he just remains quiet. We're out on the deck for a brief while, some sailors smoking in the distance. Probably post-coital and I try to make out their faces to catch them later, but I can't see. So I just drop it as we get into the bridge anyway. Miles glared at me, as if showing that he's talked plenty and so have I. Miles walks quietly into the corridor with Jamie's room and I hope that Jamie isn't naked or anything, but usually he's just dressed and reading. I wonder if I should make a run and be the one to open the door, but as soon as I speed up Miles just yanks the door open without any courtesy. Jamie just blinks in pure surprise seeing his very old lover.

“He just went mad.” I confess, as Jamie just slams the book shut and motions for both of us to head inside. I feel guilty. I don't know what could I have even done. I don't even know when was the last time Jamie invited Miles over. And the last time we had all spoken in three was before me and Jamie confessed our love to each other. That's how long ago it was.

“I don't need to come in.” Miles confesses. But he does so, quickly looking around before landing his gaze on Jamie, who still sits in his chair, frozen and keeps looking at me lost. “Why did you divorce Alison?”

His voice shakes.

“You never did that for me and we were together for years.” Love never fades. We just grow used to hiding it until we can convince ourselves that the person was wrong for us and then we can call it anything else we'd like, because saying we had love would be admitting a problem and frankly what human likes to acknowledge their flaws or mistakes? None. That's why we lie, besides last glimpses of consciousness before sleep.

Jamie doesn't speak up, instead he just fiddles with the book in his hands.

“So what... I meant nothing?” Jamie doesn't mention that Alison had cheated as well. Instead he looks at me, standing behind Miles. It's hard to talk to a former lover with your current in the room. Jamie takes too much of a pause, that Miles just turns around and looks down, I see his glossy eyes and he leaves. Jamie then stands up, which I think would be to fetch Miles, but instead he just closes the door as soon as he leaves.

“Well, at least he's gone.” He snaps at nobody in particular now, trying to avoid my gaze as I just try to get the right words to tell him. But as soon as I open my mouth he looks at me, sighing. “Alex, there's no use rehashing old love. It's long gone and we've hurt each other enough to throw the other off the deck.”

“I know, but...” I start trailing. “I see where he's coming from.”

My mouth becomes foreign.

“You wouldn't have done that for me if Alison wasn't cheating.”

Jamie's eyes widen and he looks up at me.

“Excuse me?” He looks terribly shaken and I have no control over my mouth anymore.

“I never said I wouldn't like being the lover on the side. But... You would have never divorced her.”

“You would never keep your mouth off Miles' either, Turner. But somehow, I'm not really saying that aloud much, am I?” He snaps, raising his voice lightly. His gaze is piercing me. “Or how you raise your concerns whether you still have feelings for him.”

Jamie makes a step towards me.

“We never properly discussed whether we should be exclusive or not. Neither did you ever voice that it concerned you that I was married.” He keeps snapping.

I can't back now.

“Fine. We're not exclusive.” I cross my arms. My mind is blank, my body rushing as if I had jumped into a pool of adrenaline.

“Great.” He closes his eyes and sighs. He starts biting his lower lip and looking at me. Neither of us wants to step down. It's just a useless staring contest. I keep staring at his green eyes.

“Do you want me to leave?” I snap, a bit too annoyed and feeling like a kid who doesn't want to lose an argument under any circumstance with whomever it may be, parents or just another fellow snotty kid.

“Sure.” He bites his lip again and nods, waving his arms. “Go. Sleep in your own God damn bunk bed or if you're lucky, suck off Miles while you're at it.”

I don't have a comeback, but I do open the door again. I stare at him, hoping that he would simply say anything at all. But he doesn't, instead he just picks up the book and even starts reading it standing. I can't fucking apologize. Neither can he. I hold the door knob tight in my hand. I don't have the option of just leave him either for tonight or ever. I wouldn't be able to sleep and neither would he. Jamie keeps glancing at me every few lines, I guess. If he is reading that is.

“Look...” I start. He instantly shuts the book and looks at me. He leans a bit, to show that he's listening. “You would've never really divorced Alison if it wasn't for her cheating.”

I shut the door and I see tension get off his face, at least a small particle of it.

“You never asked.” We both stand firm on our stances. Both like fucking bulls.

“You never divorced Alison for Miles.” I don't even know what kind of answer I am actually expecting, like some consolation that I am somehow better than someone who I frequently wonder if I still love?

“Alex, I was fucked up. I didn't know what I wanted and I certainly couldn't go and live with a kid, who happened to be my wife's brother. That was out of the question.” He pauses and frowns over the next sentence. “I'm over my thirties, I consider myself to be a bit wiser now, as well.”

“And you'd live now with another man.”

“Yeah. Why not. Hide as friends who bonded.” He shrugs. “Brian does that with his lover. I'm not saying times are better, but at least something is happening. Maybe I just met brave guys, who knows.”

It finally clicks what I'm actually asking him.

Fuck.

With all the arguing I didn't even realize that I was asking him to actually sort of somehow try and move in together.

“You never did that with Miles.” I just repeat that like a fucking broken record and shake my head. “Sorry... I'm just taken back.”

“You thought I would never do it?” He asks me and puts the book down, I notice that it's the Russian poetry collection I had bought him. He seems a bit hurt when he says that, but not much, probably expecting the same if he were in my place as well.

I just nod. Jamie scratches his neck, looking past me, thinking.

“I... never thought I would do it, either.” He pauses and picks it up, confessing. “I mean, I knew that I'd do it somewhere... deep down. But we never discussed it.”

“I know.” I just say, sighing. I shake my head. “I'm sorry... I panicked that Miles headed behind me. I just felt bad that I didn't stop him and I guess all that frustration had to go somewhere. I'm sorry for-”

“It's alright.” Jamie interrupts me. “He's been terribly cranky lately, maybe he broke up with someone or something.”

He takes out the cigarette holder from his pocket and stretches it for me.

“He's always been like this, frankly. It's not the first year I know him, unlike you.” He realizes how bitter the last part sounds and picks it up regardless. “I mean, not that it's not enough to get fucked over. It's more about... I guess, no, even then. You can find out a person in a day or a few months if they are just willing to open up.”


Jamie smiles at me as I take the cigarette and he follows. He lights both of them, the flame quickly licking both.

-

I've been writing very slowly, but hey, I'm keeping up with the updates, since I got so much written with Nanowrimo!

I know, this is pretty much just storytelling and I've been storytelling when I write again, I like that balance, because I really forgot how it's hard to write something else other than the emotions which are firing up, so there's not much space for anything else. 

I really like Miles, even if he's frankly not the most positive character at this point. I like how him and Jamie traded places because I had broken up with my ex at the time and I just wanted to throw my anger somewhere and Jamie was getting close with Alex. I'm babbling and doing throwbacks, I see. 

Miles is such an ode to all the people you can't forget and which still linger. I don't think I have anyone lingering, but he's quite a ghost at this point which seems to want to break free and become real again. And I'll keep my lips sealed.

I really beat myself over sometimes for being polyamorous, so I really enjoy exploring general polyamory topics and the morality of it, even if it's clear that it's okay. I just like thinking about it and applying it to Jamie and Alex's relationship. 

I hope you enjoyed it and really sorry for the short backstories. 

If you liked it, please tell me so. 

Thank you

<3

Jamie  

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Friday, 27 January 2017

To Miles 60

 I watch him as he just keeps going through a few poems, wondering how come we had managed to even get so fucking close to each other. It felt weird to even feel a love so close, it felt like something which would never happen while looking out of the windows while doing homework, feeling like the spiral of being lonely at school lasted forever. I thought that the only love I would feel would be for Matt and I seemed okay with accepting that and I would go to bed thinking that I've accepted and sealed my fate. I just kept staring at him, wondering what was with me and conversations. How come was it so that I would talk much more to my mom?

I just shook the thought away, as Jamie closed the book and then inspected the plain cigarette holder. Well, it wasn't anything fancy and I knew that our salaries had a big difference and I knew that I just couldn't really win him over with anything bought by money because anything I could get would be something that he could easily get as well. I didn't even know what to say besides just keep staring at my dear lover who I seemed to be infatuated with.

“Thank you.” He said again. I never saw him with a cigarette holder and I wondered if he would change it. I could completely see him doing that, just because I had given him it. Then he sat up as well, looking around the room. “I didn't really get you anything on shore, because we didn't have any stops while you were out. So it was... kind of feeling completely trapped without you.”

He paused.

“It was as if I had never met you and I had just broken up with Miles. It wasn't too good. The only good part was that Carlos managed to do a good drag show once, but even then it was without you... Even if you haven't been on stage with him in a while, I kind of hoped that you would somehow happen to show up and everyone would just start clapping because you're always the most interesting and attractive.” I flushed at his words, just standing there naked with my bag besides me, not even sure where to put my hands with all the compliments. I just smiled just as shyly. I missed his talking, how he would just open up whether it were about the good times or the bad times, I'd even enjoy talks of Alison in the dark of how they had started dating or how they would manage to get lost on brief road trips when Alison was pregnant, giving Jamie too much of a scare. I even enjoyed weird stories of how Karen had found herself and Jamie was killing off the crush.

Jamie had even once thought of pushing her off the ship, for the sole factor that she had refused him, realizing not only that she was a woman all along, but that she wasn't really that keen on men either. I remember that I had burst out laughing so hard, thinking that I'd manage to wake the entire ship as I pictured Jamie, as he said, he had even crept on her and she looked at him at the right moment for him to stop. That had been ages ago and as I stopped laughing I had felt a bit jealous, wondering if anything had been left for Karen, since they were such good friends now. But then how many relationships with men had turned or rather remained as friends other than something more?

I wondered how much had he loved her that he decided that it would be better to love her dead rather than see her be with someone else.

“Yeah, sorry I kind of realized that drag wasn't my thing at all. Like it was fun and all... But yeah. I'd rather be behind the scenes sewing dresses for everyone, frankly.” I confessed, probably admitting that I'd be Carlos' bitch now, as he'd whine to make the dresses better, puffier, some more ridiculous and some just more feminine. He seemed to stage everything, make a whole hype around the show, to make sure that as many sailors as possible would attend and that all would leave very happy, pleased and I wondered if erections were something he considered among the sailors who would hook up or just jerk off to the image of him in a dress.

“Well... why don't you do that then?” He asked me. I scratch the back of my head, thinking.

“I'm sure he'll force me at some point. But I could offer myself to his slavery again.” I confess, realizing that I really wouldn't mind killing some time off from the day, since I wouldn't be able to hang out with Jamie anyway and it would be good to hang out with the other guys. I actually felt myself curious to hear what else were they going to tell me. I tried not to think about Julian and who would his replacement be, but I knew that Carlos would still make it work and maybe Thom and Jonny would be fit. Well, Carlos wouldn't care and force them in anyway. Miles was always up for it, because it was a great laugh for him. I wondered how he felt with Jamie watching, if the world would shrink to a former lover. I wondered what was even going on with Miles' thoughts while I was gone and if he would think of Jamie at all.

I knew Jamie would think of him, as he had mentioned.

“Were you alright though?” I ask him and think of his offer to go onshore. Jamie smirks and shakes his head.

“I'll need to buy a lot of alcohol now.” I look at him. “Because I cleaned myself completely.”

He gives out a short laugh.

“I really missed you and it was just... sad. And it's not like I was on shore and could find the company of someone else. It was literally just me and Brian, so that wasn't too fun. It was two men sitting and waiting for lover letters. I don't really talk to many, as you know. Frankly, it's just you and Brian on the ship.” He rubs his eyes. “Well and the sailors who I'll yell to mop the deck. That's all the interactions. And a bitchier Miles this time.”

I wait and don't respond to his pause, waiting to hear what had been going through Miles' mind.

“He just... was very angry at how many sailors are getting sent away, but I still sent away the list you gave me, all spread out.” He talks for once in a work manner, as if he's my superior again. “I just told him to fuck off and mind his own business.”

Jamie looks away.

“Overall he came up a few times, just to nag and it was odd, I'd ask him to talk to me outside, so that nothing could happen and he would just nag about this and that. I'd have to tell him to fuck off every time and tell him to wake up earlier than the rest and do the decks. The deck was sparkling on those days.” He smirks.

I could easily imagine Miles really angrily mopping the deck, that's why it would be so shiny or maybe he himself was killing time with his own thinking, wondering what the fuck would happen to everything. I would possibly do the same thing and the more I thought of war, the harder everything seemed to be. It would just make me panic, specifically through shore leave, that anything could happen at all and the world was slowly sinking with fear.

“You want to dress up then, we can always talk on the way to wherever you want to go.” Jamie suggested, standing up and making steps towards me to kiss me hastily. The truth was the fact was that I had no idea where I wanted to go, maybe grab something to eat and walk around very discreetly. I enjoyed shore leave, because we could always meet up and then spend the day together, planning out where to go which wasn't an area where we would be seen and that would be it. He started picking up his clothes and I followed him.

“Yeah.” I say a bit too late, as both of us are dressing in our usual sailor attires. I still have Miles dancing in my mind and I'm sure he would dance in his head as well. He was like a little devil, always making fun of both of us regardless of how much time we had spent fucking him. I watch Jamie do his tie. Soon enough we are ready and we just fix our hats.

“I just need to drop my bag and take a change of clothes, really.” I confess as Jamie himself looks around, probably wondering what could he even change into with this hot weather. The weather barely ever has any mercy on clothes and specifically uniforms. As he ponders what to wear from his closet, I wonder where could we even meet now.

“We'll meet at the street we met last time we were here, yeah?” Jamie confirms with me. I try to stretch my mind. “It's near the tobacco store. The small one.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, I remember it now.” Because we had both run out of cigarettes last time and I had to win some over poker and I would carry him some boxes, only to gamble again a few weeks later. We didn't even check the prices, we were so traumatized by the lack of tobacco we were risking that we bought it right away. It was rather small as well, but had plenty of the ones we needed.

We briefly departed, as Jamie was left in front of the closet, choosing how to attract me with his choice of clothes and I had to drop off my things back into my coffin locker. I made my way down, feeling everything familiar and if I wasn't going to meet up with Jamie so soon, I would take my time, look at everything, but it already felt like I had never left, specifically when I had entered the room filled with our bunks and no one was in. Everyone would be so eager to just go outside, specifically after a month in this case. There was no lie, every shore leave was always exciting because it was very often somewhere new and there would be something going on, if you wanted to find that of course.

I still couldn't understand the void that had been left from Matt when so many men had waltzed in and out, that so many men I had changed and who had changed me as well. I couldn't understand why was I so empty and I knew that most likely I'd be holding it until evening, when the lights would be off and when wine starts working like medicine, calming down and letting the worries dissolve, allowing me to seep through Jamie's skin and remain there. Let me be his blood. Or maybe I would just raise the subject to my lover right away, as we walk the streets of the busy city. I just took out everything that I didn't need and took a change of clothes with me. We would usually sneak into cafes just to change what we were wearing or if it was winter, we would just take off the hats. But such wasn't the case.

Maybe we should be more careful, but somehow luck seemed to be on our side, besides Carlos who would eye me if Jamie would walk up to our turret and ask how were we doing, very Captain-like, but that wasn't enough to wipe the ideas out of the loader's head and I couldn't blame him, I just wished that he wouldn't talk.

I was surprised about Miles not talking about two former lovers of his either. I wondered what kind of gay code had we entered, since he knew that I was sending off other men. Maybe he found it hypocritical to send us off when he was accusing us off doing that to rest, but seeing Miles as noble was not surely something I wanted to move my tongue about.

Sometimes love just fades and I wished that it were the case for both me and Jamie about Miles, but he would always thread through and visit my mind in circles. It was odd how many men I was juggling, even if plenty were long out of the picture and never to be seen in such a love light again.

It didn't take me too long to get to the tobacco store, yet I had taken my time, realizing that Jamie would probably prefer if we had exited the ship at different times and I tried to think of another route and had to ask for directions, recalling the street name and asking a few times for windy ways to get there. But Jamie was late, I figured he really took time to choose the shirt he was wearing, which was plain, but something he would wear.

“Did you take your time choosing clothes or?” I ask politely and holding a smile, holding from kissing him as well as a greeting. Even if we had never kissed in public, it was something that I would always get the urge to do.

“I figured that it would be better if you went first, so I really took my time.”

“That's funny... 'cause I thought the same thing.” I smiled at my lover. “I actually took my time.”

Jamie laughed lightly, as we slowly made our way into the tobacco store and took our time there, much learned from the previous experience and paid for our cigarette needs. Once we walked out, I got offered cigarettes from the cigarette holder and I just smiled back at him, quickly squeezing his shoulder, a bit too cautiously, maybe the men who seldom hold the other in public are always the queer ones? That was something I asked Jamie aloud, causing him to think and even take a while between drags.

“That would make sense though.” He thought aloud. “The men who are sure in their sexuality wouldn't mind something, but still it's all about acting heterosexual enough as well.”

“Which we clearly don't fit the part of.” He breathed the smoke out, as we waited to cross the street. “Or the rest of the goddamn navy for that matter.”


-

I'm actually back to writing To Miles, I took a break again because I was so tired and I found it hard to write. Now I'm back to writing feelings, thoughts and what's going on in my mind rather than story telling. I wish I could find a medium, but that never happens with me so alas. But I'll try to update more often since I've got plenty of To Miles and Offside to update and I've been writing other things as well, of course. 

It's a nice thing to go back and relive and a bit weird because I'm so far ahead and in part 2 when I post these chapters. 

I really like to squeeze out my relationships into writing and possibly once Jamie turned over I really based the strong love off what I have with Callie and even try to heighten it as much as I can, make it sort of ridiculously strong, because I usually feel complete with two people, but it's really a love which consumes them both and is still at very early stages so of course it's very heightened and there's also the whole thing that it's hard for them to be together and their time is very limited to the night and some outings. 

I frankly thought of the epilogue well possibly years ago now. And I kind of show hints here and there of what's to happen. 

I really just storytold and went ahead with it like crazy since it was Nanowrimo. 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so. It would really motivate me 

Thank you

<3

Jamie

Thursday, 5 January 2017