To Miles 9

Sewing as usual doesn’t seem like a complex task, Julian gets everything first as he doesn’t stay still once I get everything I could by myself. I start measuring him, both of us smoking and I keep nagging to him to keep the cigarette in his mouth and stay still, but he fails and it nearly falls on the poor white fabric. I pick it up and hold it in my own mouth, not sure if inhaling two cigarettes is a good idea, as Julian keeps staring at me. Eventually I stab one out against the floor. 

It’s weird to see Julian in front of me in underwear, as Miles promised to get some paint which would be used on the fabrics. I try to ignore the fact and I keep measuring and I can see him trying to catch my attention and I’m thankful for the cigarette in his mouth, before he doesn’t hold and takes it from my lips as I keep my eyes fixed on him, if he falls

it’s his fault

and he presses a kiss against my lips and Miles appears in my mind, even if we’re still meddling with whatever is happening and I kiss Juju back, feeling guilty and excited, dropping the measurements. 

But I don’t have to kick him now, a kiss isn’t enough evidence, so I pull him closer to me, pulling his lip with my teeth, my heart racing from the bizarre juggling of feelings and I wonder if I am cheating, but the guilt seems sugarcoated for once

it’s bizarre

I’m not even sure I even like Julian that much, but it’s not this waltz I’ve been doing with Miles, with both of us stumbling on purpose to make sure that no one thinks we are enjoying it. 

I keep kissing Julian, not sure at who I’m I even irritated and why the fuck won’t I just grab Miles-

and

shit

why don’t I?

I’m still sending people off, but Julian’s hands already wander on my body and he pushes me back into my bunk and I just manage to duck not to hit my head, as he is on top of me and I stop responding, to which Juju kisses twice to make sure I’m reacting.

“Is... I’m not... sorry.” He pauses. He flicks back to the words he’s just said. “I mean, I am sorry.”

I feel his full hard on against me and frankly I’m also far from soft. 

I feel like I’ve got two options, my roll of the dice where I choose what I actually want to be, I’ve rigged them, I’ve given the right bribes out and Jules is staring at me.

“Juju... Anyone can walk in on us.” I swallow. 

“You’re right, you’re right.” And he gets off me, but it’s still comical with his massive erection and I wonder if I can just quickly suck it off and I bite the inside of my cheek, my eyes obviously focused on his erection. I start measuring him again in the middle of our silence, taking his waist and I feel his fingers running through my hair, messing it up and I close my eyes, Miles caught up in my head.

I wonder if I had cheated

but then what if this job is my excuse to infidelity? But then I wouldn’t have to and frankly, I’m pushing Miles away

He wants me.

And so does Julian. 

I think I’m at the point that if I don’t fuck either of them, I’ll either have to take a cold shower or jerk off in a cubicle. 

“...Can we?” Juju keeps mumbling his sentences and I glance at him. I think he knows I’m not interested. Shit. I cup his head and I kiss him softly, but I don’t make out, maybe I can stretch this out and if Hince asks me, well, I’m luring the sinners into the trap, I am the sweet bait after all. 

It’s weird knowing that I’ve been chosen well, for being in the navy and for my own looks, I still get asked if I’m a child on some days and I have to prove my age, but then that’s not an explanation to being good-looking. I think Miles would’ve been a better shot, Juju would be too careless, I think and I feel bad for thinking so, so in guilt I kiss him again.

It’s funny how if it’s on the boat, it’s not gay, that’s the thing on the boat you can still create a utopia.

“I’ll measure the rest, so I can just sew everything else.” I smile at Julian, who doesn’t want to let go. I think for a while. I need to distract him. “Can you ask around if there’s more makeup coz I have a feeling we’ll all be with the same red lips, if there’s enough with Carlos being our own drag.”

I smirk at the word pun. 

“Carlos said he’ll play his guitar, coz Hince said he’s not handing over his gramophone. I tried talking to him, but he thought telling me that it’s my problem and his is understanding Tolstoy’s concept of war.” Juju pouts. “I mean, he never even looks at me, he knows my name.”

“That’s a start.” I interrupt, smirking. I feel horrid, that I’m doing the same thing to Julian, as Miles way and I bite my lip, turned on from Julian and dying to touch Miles. I rub the back of my neck, looking ahead, nearly dying to fuck Miles. Nothing will happen, I’ll slowly creep on Juju and once he’s hooked I’ll report, it’ll be a small game before I’ll

send him off.

The thought burns my head and eyes as I look down on my feet.

Sending off Pete and Carl

It’s like choosing who would you send to war, knowing that they wouldn’t come back or if they would, they’d know that it was a stupid suicide mission to save your own ass. 

I glance at Julian, wondering if I should do this and get over with it. I wonder if 

it’s my fault

Matt had supported me, what if he hadn’t, would I still report people just as eagerly?

I can’t apologize for what I’m going to do, but Julian takes the hint and leaves. I get back to the bunk to lay down and my excitement isn’t going anywhere and touching myself when anyone can come in, makes it just worse. I stand up, leaving all the materials as I head out. I wander through the lower deck, wondering if I should knock on the door which are locked and I go a deck below to see Juju grin at me with a tube of lipstick, which makes me wonder who and why has just one, which Julian says should remain anonymous. 

I head even lower to orlop to see Miles with two other men and Miles already has some paint box in his hand, laughing at some joke. They all turn around to see me and I just look at Miles, as I approach them.

“Yeah, thanks, fellas.” Miles says gesturing to the box and they start heading up. I look around, as Miles keeps smoking his cigarette. We sure smoke a lot, but then once you get a cigarette and a way of getting them, you do it all the time and frankly, we’re in a melancholic lull right now even with the drag show to entertain us. 

They leave. I want to jump on Miles, but instead I just smile at him.

“What?” Miles smiles back, easing up and he gives me a drag of his cigarette. I nod to his box and Miles opens it and I feel guilty using oil paint, but then it had been given and I feel Miles trail his fingers on my cheek. I close my eyes and tilt my head to kiss his fingers. He puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer to kiss him. 

I feel guilty that we don’t talk enough

I feel guilty for kissing Julian

I feel guilty

for so many things

like dragging further into the orlop, wondering if the other two men were fucking here as well and I pin him against the wall, letting my tongue rub against his and I feel him just as tense as I am, but we’re doing the opposite, we’re letting ourselves drag off

we’re letting ourselves not care

I see that when our lips keep departing, we want to say something but we don’t. Instead we just go back to making out, it tenses it up, it turns it up

I take off my shirt first before I go for his, biting his neck, kissing his chest down before Miles stops me and I’m midair from kissing his stomach. 

“What’s with the sudden change, Turner?” Miles smirks, pulling me slightly by the hair. I kiss his stomach anyway and I kiss my way up to see his smirk, as I bite my own tongue, as I lean to kiss him. Miles pulls back, waiting for my answer. I wonder. 

I wonder how to word things right.

I’m not catching him to give him up.

“...I’ve got a promise to keep too.” I smirk back, licking his lips. Maybe I’m playing it up, but I mean it. “I promised to be yours.”

Miles pulls me back in, making out with me, our bodies rubbing as he unzips my pants and pulls them down and I take off his, as he pulls me down and I just grab our clothes to use them as something to forget about how cold the floor is and it’s not too comfortable, but I forget about it as he goes on top of me and we keep making out. 

It’s different, the kiss is different, my whole body is tense, aching for release as I keep wanting him more and more, sucking on his tongue lightly as we lay naked. 

I don’t think I care anymore and if it took me to kiss another man to realize that I want Miles, fine. Cool, the first non-pilot in the last few years, which is funny coz their uniforms in the navy are hideous, which is something me and Matt always talk about after he nags about me choosing milkshakes. 

I’ve wondered enough about Matt and when he had told me that he’s the only pilot I wouldn’t have gone after and that had offended me lightly, because he’d been in my thoughts, a constant flirt which is either on or off depending on the season and where we both are. There are days when I don’t think about him at all, months when I chuck him out entirely. 

I’ve even gotten angry at him or sometimes at myself. 

Sometimes we get irritated at other people too much and looking back, I still wonder was it such a big deal for me to get angry at Paul who was leaving, he was packing his clothes and I just kept hissing at him for cheating on me.

I get angry with myself as well, when I think of Cookie or Julian’s lips upon my own, knowing that much more will follow and eventually I’ll have to drag him down regardless if he wants to or not. I’m not the person to walk away, I might be sending them for torture, but there’s that question

how far would you go to obey authority

if it meant Julian getting executed which I’ve researched plenty before I accepted it, I don’t think I’d do it and I guess because my own life is on the line, I do it, which looking at it, I don’t know why I’m still defending people when I’m sending others to get tortured with their lives getting twisted behind their back. 

I wouldn’t be friends with myself and all these thoughts come to me as I kiss him. 

As soon as I stroke his back with my hands, I feel him, I feel Miles entirely against me and it’s intoxicating, my thoughts linger on and off like blinking lights, my whole self going forwards and I feel guilty for all this juggling of memories and past lover who had never made it in. 

I feel even more guilty and I pull back, stroking his cheeks and I look at him and we press our foreheads together, closing both of our eyes as we kiss again.

It’s weird being anxious.

It’s weird throwing feelings away, yet keeping them, I keep my words shut, as I-

Does it really matter?

What does matter?

Miles goes inside me slowly and I moan, spreading out my legs even more and I pull him closer.

“I’m already yours.” I don’t think I’m lying.

Miles kisses me stronger as he starts stroking my cock slightly, teasing. He leans back and  it’s good to keep my eyes open, my whole body feeling a different pleasure than I’ve ever felt from a man before. Maybe we’re both holding from saying something we’ll regret.

We kiss again, briefly

It’s always hard to confess, it’s always hard to find someone as well

We’re both too tense

I don’t know

I don’t think I care

I don’t think I lose anything

Maybe I’ll gain

I think of too many excuses

I kiss him again, holding it as I feel more and more closer to the edge, thrusting as well, breathing heavily as he thrusts deeper

Funny, how I’m allowed to penetrate other men according to Hince, but not get penetrated. I never got this fear of being on the receiver's end. But then there’s too much wrong in society

We wouldn’t be at war with someone who frankly hates everyone

And our side wouldn’t be hateful as well

I grin like an idiot as we both get near

Miles’ strokes me harder, his other other hand digging into my hip

I’m a sappy loser, but I’m still better even if I confide the rules

But there are too many which I don’t follow

like 

“I love you” and it’s out. It’s been in my mind, you get told you know when you see the love of your life and I don’t think I’m mistaken, as Miles kisses me deeply

“I love you” he says against my lips, as we both give in to the orgasm, unraveling and 

we collapse, breathing heavily, Miles still stroking me softly as we reach the end, myself thrusting against him and eventually we kiss again. 

-

And I have decided that what I hate writing is love confessions, coz I get too anxious if it's too soon or too late and how do I do them and everything

But in the end they end up pretty good, I guess, but still xD

While I was writing this is I realized there are two options here: either Alex and Julian fuck or he goes off to find Miles. And you can see what I chose.

Well, this chapter pretty much speaks for itself and yeah, some hints are dropped through out the whole story as I've been looking through and I've pushed the ending a bit, so it's going to be a bit longer? yay ? xD

Feel free to request and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have, pretty much next chapter is maybe nearly half done :D

<3

To Miles 10