Thursday, 9 February 2017

To Miles 61

 I wasn't able to avoid him for long and when I saw him, my confidence had plummeted even after all the jokes Jamie had done as we were walking back to the port. He looked very tired and irritated, not talking to anyone else and we were all about to head over to bed. I knew that it wouldn't take long until I would be able to go back to Jamie's and just continue the soft conversations or maybe something rough, but he had spoken enough of Miles and if more would be said it would've been plain rehashing than something else. We just made eye contact and Miles looked away. I knew how hard everything had been and the kiss we shared seemed something that the man didn't even want to entertain the possibility of.

I wondered what the hell was going through his mind, as Jonny turned off the light for all of us, nodding for Carlos to stop recruiting for the drag show, which plenty had agreed to do already. I even ended up watching his back turned to me, as I waited for the lights to turn off. He was the last thing I saw. As usual I just waited until the breathing would even and some snores would be heard. I gave it another few minutes and I stood up, just as quietly as usual and I heard some moves from Miles' bed.

I kept on going, before I heard footsteps behind me. He was surely not asleep as I turned around, but still went out, figuring that I could simply go to the bathroom and back. Miles followed me into the light as I opened the door, looking down.

I didn't know what to expect or rather if to expect much, as I stopped and turned around to face the Chief Petty Officer. Miles gave out a small cough and just stared at me. His emotions were not shown on his face, he seemed to be thinking what would his move even be.

“You going to Hince's then? As every fucking night? Don't you get bored?” He asks in a rather loud voice, so I just look around to see no one even close to us. We're alone for this stupid showdown, where I have no energy and at this point I even feel like I'd just sleep besides Jamie. Then something flashes through his mind. “Did you even tell him that we kissed?”

“What about all the other men you send off?” He continues. “Doesn't he ever get jealous or do you get a pass for everything, Turner?”

I wish it were dark and I could just avoid him, as if he were some ghost or a minor nuisance, but the problem is once you're haunted, you're fucked for good. And he's surely not one to let go of grudges from his life. As I listen to him, I am pissed off, but I try to put myself in his shoes. What the fuck is pissing him off so much? I can't come up with an answer and I know that it was my turn to speak to his insults, which are just going on and on.

“Miles.” I pause and look at him. I'm a whore. I've made out with this man, just because and I've briefly had a love affair with him. I destroyed it with my own hands and took his former lover. “Is it because you found out about Jamie's divorce?”

I shoot in the dark and I maybe can possibly hear a wounded animal?

Miles looks taken back. Maybe he did finally notice the lack of a ring on Jamie's finger during an inspection. That would explain Miles' rudeness and it was something that poor Miles only dreamed off as an adolescent and here I was, getting it in a few months after dating. I didn't know if I actually felt sorry for him, all I knew was that I just wanted his pettiness to stop.

“What do you mean Hince is divorced?” I don't know if he's faking it or maybe he didn't notice, but I doubt, I'd be looking in his place. Maybe he thought they separated or something, maybe he thought that the ring was just lost or gone. Maybe he never noticed at all.

I decide to look confused.

“Hince is divorced.” I just shrug my shoulders, as if it's no big deal and I'm still not too comfortable from the fact that I have to talk to him in the corridor for everyone to hear and spy on, well, if someone is interested in the Captain's personal life that is. I never actually asked if he has some fake girl's photo just to say that he's dating someone new or maybe he just pretends to be single and heartbroken, while taking it up the ass. I keep looking around to make sure that no one is indeed listening to us.

Miles looks up, probably thinking if he should cause another turmoil to the Captain. I'm guessing he decides that he should, as he starts walking out of the corridor and up the stairs to get into the bridge. I just follow him, silently for a second, as I try to even ponder what the fuck can I even say.

“Miles, what exactly are you up to?” He turns around right after I ask it, but doesn't stop going up the stairs. I really thought I'd always be the only one to disturb poor Jamie from his sleep. “Don't you think that he's not particularly thrilled to see you?”

“That would explain why Alison isn't replying to me. She's probably bawling her eyes out that he ditched her for some young queer.” He mutters angrily. I feel taken back, he really does know nothing and Alison just decided to avoid him all together, which even without knowing her seems to be in character, since she hid Lana so well. “He was married with children, Alex. Did your cock have no decency?”

“Did your cock ever have any decency, Kane?” I shoot it right back at him and he just remains quiet. We're out on the deck for a brief while, some sailors smoking in the distance. Probably post-coital and I try to make out their faces to catch them later, but I can't see. So I just drop it as we get into the bridge anyway. Miles glared at me, as if showing that he's talked plenty and so have I. Miles walks quietly into the corridor with Jamie's room and I hope that Jamie isn't naked or anything, but usually he's just dressed and reading. I wonder if I should make a run and be the one to open the door, but as soon as I speed up Miles just yanks the door open without any courtesy. Jamie just blinks in pure surprise seeing his very old lover.

“He just went mad.” I confess, as Jamie just slams the book shut and motions for both of us to head inside. I feel guilty. I don't know what could I have even done. I don't even know when was the last time Jamie invited Miles over. And the last time we had all spoken in three was before me and Jamie confessed our love to each other. That's how long ago it was.

“I don't need to come in.” Miles confesses. But he does so, quickly looking around before landing his gaze on Jamie, who still sits in his chair, frozen and keeps looking at me lost. “Why did you divorce Alison?”

His voice shakes.

“You never did that for me and we were together for years.” Love never fades. We just grow used to hiding it until we can convince ourselves that the person was wrong for us and then we can call it anything else we'd like, because saying we had love would be admitting a problem and frankly what human likes to acknowledge their flaws or mistakes? None. That's why we lie, besides last glimpses of consciousness before sleep.

Jamie doesn't speak up, instead he just fiddles with the book in his hands.

“So what... I meant nothing?” Jamie doesn't mention that Alison had cheated as well. Instead he looks at me, standing behind Miles. It's hard to talk to a former lover with your current in the room. Jamie takes too much of a pause, that Miles just turns around and looks down, I see his glossy eyes and he leaves. Jamie then stands up, which I think would be to fetch Miles, but instead he just closes the door as soon as he leaves.

“Well, at least he's gone.” He snaps at nobody in particular now, trying to avoid my gaze as I just try to get the right words to tell him. But as soon as I open my mouth he looks at me, sighing. “Alex, there's no use rehashing old love. It's long gone and we've hurt each other enough to throw the other off the deck.”

“I know, but...” I start trailing. “I see where he's coming from.”

My mouth becomes foreign.

“You wouldn't have done that for me if Alison wasn't cheating.”

Jamie's eyes widen and he looks up at me.

“Excuse me?” He looks terribly shaken and I have no control over my mouth anymore.

“I never said I wouldn't like being the lover on the side. But... You would have never divorced her.”

“You would never keep your mouth off Miles' either, Turner. But somehow, I'm not really saying that aloud much, am I?” He snaps, raising his voice lightly. His gaze is piercing me. “Or how you raise your concerns whether you still have feelings for him.”

Jamie makes a step towards me.

“We never properly discussed whether we should be exclusive or not. Neither did you ever voice that it concerned you that I was married.” He keeps snapping.

I can't back now.

“Fine. We're not exclusive.” I cross my arms. My mind is blank, my body rushing as if I had jumped into a pool of adrenaline.

“Great.” He closes his eyes and sighs. He starts biting his lower lip and looking at me. Neither of us wants to step down. It's just a useless staring contest. I keep staring at his green eyes.

“Do you want me to leave?” I snap, a bit too annoyed and feeling like a kid who doesn't want to lose an argument under any circumstance with whomever it may be, parents or just another fellow snotty kid.

“Sure.” He bites his lip again and nods, waving his arms. “Go. Sleep in your own God damn bunk bed or if you're lucky, suck off Miles while you're at it.”

I don't have a comeback, but I do open the door again. I stare at him, hoping that he would simply say anything at all. But he doesn't, instead he just picks up the book and even starts reading it standing. I can't fucking apologize. Neither can he. I hold the door knob tight in my hand. I don't have the option of just leave him either for tonight or ever. I wouldn't be able to sleep and neither would he. Jamie keeps glancing at me every few lines, I guess. If he is reading that is.

“Look...” I start. He instantly shuts the book and looks at me. He leans a bit, to show that he's listening. “You would've never really divorced Alison if it wasn't for her cheating.”

I shut the door and I see tension get off his face, at least a small particle of it.

“You never asked.” We both stand firm on our stances. Both like fucking bulls.

“You never divorced Alison for Miles.” I don't even know what kind of answer I am actually expecting, like some consolation that I am somehow better than someone who I frequently wonder if I still love?

“Alex, I was fucked up. I didn't know what I wanted and I certainly couldn't go and live with a kid, who happened to be my wife's brother. That was out of the question.” He pauses and frowns over the next sentence. “I'm over my thirties, I consider myself to be a bit wiser now, as well.”

“And you'd live now with another man.”

“Yeah. Why not. Hide as friends who bonded.” He shrugs. “Brian does that with his lover. I'm not saying times are better, but at least something is happening. Maybe I just met brave guys, who knows.”

It finally clicks what I'm actually asking him.

Fuck.

With all the arguing I didn't even realize that I was asking him to actually sort of somehow try and move in together.

“You never did that with Miles.” I just repeat that like a fucking broken record and shake my head. “Sorry... I'm just taken back.”

“You thought I would never do it?” He asks me and puts the book down, I notice that it's the Russian poetry collection I had bought him. He seems a bit hurt when he says that, but not much, probably expecting the same if he were in my place as well.

I just nod. Jamie scratches his neck, looking past me, thinking.

“I... never thought I would do it, either.” He pauses and picks it up, confessing. “I mean, I knew that I'd do it somewhere... deep down. But we never discussed it.”

“I know.” I just say, sighing. I shake my head. “I'm sorry... I panicked that Miles headed behind me. I just felt bad that I didn't stop him and I guess all that frustration had to go somewhere. I'm sorry for-”

“It's alright.” Jamie interrupts me. “He's been terribly cranky lately, maybe he broke up with someone or something.”

He takes out the cigarette holder from his pocket and stretches it for me.

“He's always been like this, frankly. It's not the first year I know him, unlike you.” He realizes how bitter the last part sounds and picks it up regardless. “I mean, not that it's not enough to get fucked over. It's more about... I guess, no, even then. You can find out a person in a day or a few months if they are just willing to open up.”


Jamie smiles at me as I take the cigarette and he follows. He lights both of them, the flame quickly licking both.

-

I've been writing very slowly, but hey, I'm keeping up with the updates, since I got so much written with Nanowrimo!

I know, this is pretty much just storytelling and I've been storytelling when I write again, I like that balance, because I really forgot how it's hard to write something else other than the emotions which are firing up, so there's not much space for anything else. 

I really like Miles, even if he's frankly not the most positive character at this point. I like how him and Jamie traded places because I had broken up with my ex at the time and I just wanted to throw my anger somewhere and Jamie was getting close with Alex. I'm babbling and doing throwbacks, I see. 

Miles is such an ode to all the people you can't forget and which still linger. I don't think I have anyone lingering, but he's quite a ghost at this point which seems to want to break free and become real again. And I'll keep my lips sealed.

I really beat myself over sometimes for being polyamorous, so I really enjoy exploring general polyamory topics and the morality of it, even if it's clear that it's okay. I just like thinking about it and applying it to Jamie and Alex's relationship. 

I hope you enjoyed it and really sorry for the short backstories. 

If you liked it, please tell me so. 

Thank you

<3

Jamie  

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Offside 3

I look at the losers who finally approached us, wondering how many of us talentless football players are out there but plenty of us still get jobs somehow and crawl up the football ladder regardless, so that's a good thing. I don't really see much future anywhere, but the more I am stuck thinking of a future the more I wonder how the fuck can I even entangle myself into the only sport I enjoy. But that's on the brightest of days when I actually try to care about something.

“Maybe we shouldn't really invite those two over, eh, Miles?” Alex pipes up, smirking and pointing at us both. “They ended up winning and I kind of would prefer being a sore loser right now.”

“Hey, hey, no need to be a sore loser. Just fucking do your deal where we eat out together. I never ditch you guys.” I whine at them, Jack probably realizing that the banter is better done between us than him who is still clearly a fresh-baked newbie. He probably hates all of us anyway and is dreading the fact that he decided to tag along with me because it would just be random insults thrown at each other over pizza and we don't really tag along with girls, we just sit down there and complain about life.

“Yeah, because you're like a stupid lucky charm, you never lose in training.” Alex smirks at me and we slowly start walking to the pizza place since frankly there is no more point in standing next to the court and soon enough it would be filled with a bunch of kids running around and probably pooping their pants out of joy. I don't know I never understood the parental thrill of sending one's child so early to football, probably because my own sent me quite later on.

“Yeah and lose the big games.” Miles chips in. I flip at him.

“We tend to lose the big games because our defence is shit.” I whine, wondering how come we even got such a shit team and how are we even supposed to attract anyone to even remotely check out our games. I wished that I had lived in a much bigger city, but then beggars can't really be choosers. I turn to Jack. “Can you be a defender instead of a striker?”

He just shakes his head.

“No, sorry, I'm really just a striker.” I roll my eyes at his reply and stretch out my arms above my head.

“We're screwed then.” Is now my turn to whine because Jack surely watched some Brazilian Ronaldo videos to get bloody inspired by and here we are, a freshly baked striker who barely has any idea of what he's doing, like a really bad FIFA mod. I don't really bother much about the surroundings, besides the fact that we managed to get an okay weather day where everyone is taking off their jackets a bit too confused and wondering why hasn't the weather turned to downright shit yet. I seem to think the same, as I didn't even bother grabbing mine. “At least I didn't go cocky and decide to be a fucking striker.”

“You still never go on defence, Jamie.” Miles says as we approach the pizza place and he holds the door open for everyone to get in, as he scratches his nose. I keep flipping at him far too much today for every comment he does.

“Doesn't matter, I'm less of a wanker than you are.” I smirk at him, glancing at the same old boring pizza menu even if I know all of them and have probably tried all of them as well. “I'm not a cocky striker, that's the point unlike you lot.”

“Doesn't mean that you couldn't take one for the team and actually be on defence.” Alex speaks, about to order and stepping to the cashier to order. Alex takes his usual order, not really bothering to ponder on something else, as I always take my time and end up choosing more or less the same. Miles follows him, ordering some new bacon pizza for himself and I decide to try it out as well and Jack is the last one left, probably counting the calories in his damn head, but is too shy to speak out about it. In the end he orders something which I don't really overhear, as I decide to follow Miles and Alex to the depths of the pizza place as they can choose any seat since it's empty after lunch.

“I'll do that if you fucking do that, Al.” I say, wondering when was even the last time that we had invited the rest of the guys over, but we kind of just avoided their girlfriend drama because someone would always end up dating someone's ex or crush, so there was no bro code where you couldn't date someone who had been dated before. It was a game, as if it was survival of the fittest, besides Alex who decided to date this girl from a few towns away and that was considered long distance even if it was just a straight bus ride away.

“I will be a defender, if you become one, Jamie.” I look at him, he's pretty serious about it, just to fuck me over. I just fix my hair and shake my head.

“Fuck off, we'll both be terrible defenders and you know that.” I say, because I'm not good on defense and I've always wanted to be a midfielder, so this is what a taste of my own medicine feels like apparently then. I pout at him, mockingly.

“Doesn't matter, you're the one always whining that there's too many strikers.” Alex shrugs, as we wait for the pizzas and Jack joins us. He joins my side, as Miles and Alex sit on one side, probably too sick of staring at each other since they always hang out besides when they remember that they have girlfriends and then they act straight. Miles and Alex are like some sort of riddle I could never figure out, but the thing is that it's just my wishful thinking really that someone else could be queer even if I wasn't boning them. It would get pretty lonely sometimes being around a bunch of straight guys or straight girls for that matter. I never liked being the token gay and I didn't really fit into too much stereotypes since I was into football and eventually I would just get bored of being friends with the girls once I grew up. When you're a child it's far easier to just be friends with someone regardless of their gender, but once you grow up it is just a void everywhere, you can't relate to anyone and nothing makes sense.

A void.

“And there he goes... spacing out. Who are you sucking off in your mind now, Jamie?” Miles mocks me, as all three of them laugh at me. I didn't even notice that I had managed to space out and miss a few questions or mock statements.

“Fuck off. You're pretty annoying today, you know.” I say rubbing my face with my hands, sleepily and tired after practice which only proves how bad we all are.

“We're always annoying.” Miles says as a matter of fact pointing at himself and Alex, as Jack watches all of this as if it were a show we were putting up now for him. But in reality we are always like this, mocking each other to no end and I would rant that someday Miles or Alex will actually wake up with cum in their mouth from the other after a heavy night of drinking and some mistakes will unfold in the morning. Or not mistakes and I would get a heavy kick from under the table and getting a kick from a fellow football player is never fun.

“I would have never fucking guessed.” I say sarcastically and turn around, hoping that they would bring the pizza soon enough but I know that I haven't spaced out enough for it to even get ready and most likely they would get all our pizzas ready and then bring them, not to ruin anyone's mood by not getting one as the same time Jack would, for instance. Jack instead stays out of it, just watching all of us, probably not too confident in nagging about how gay I am or how annoying Alex or Miles seem to be. I would have sat quiet myself, just waiting until I can actually befriend whomever I decide is worthy, but then I have always lived here, so everyone was kind of taken for granted besides the few people who would move in.

“Jack, feel free to fucking annoy Jamie as well, he will surely appreciate some male attention from the depth of his pants.” Alex says taking the salt and fiddling with it, bored.

“You are such a wanker, Alex.” I state, narrowing my eyes and looking at him, just as bored and just participating in the talk because we all try to kill time somehow until life somehow unfolds and we start living instead of numbly dribbling through life.

“You're the one wanking off to blokes.” Miles says as a matter of fact.

“You too, Miles.” I sigh. I feel terribly tired and my body still keeps aching, probably hinting that this would be one of those days where it's just bad all over and my leg will be aching until I decide to do something about it. “A wanker that is. Of course, unless you've decided it's time to address the elephant in the room about you and Alex holding hands under covers. You fuckers still do sleepovers as if you're ten.”

“No need to be so jealous over the fact that you don't get invited, Jamie.” Miles pipes up.

“So I'm not invited to make it a jolly threesome.” I pause and look at them. “I know you both stopped inviting me over once I got it on with Brian, I'll never forget it.”

I look at them with a serious voice but then burst out laughing. It's nothing I can change at all. Homophobia lives on even if you're banging one of your mates, which I will give a hand for which Alex and Miles are doing or will do someday.

“Fine, you want to come over and sleep in a sleeping bag?” Miles asks and I just quiet down, thinking and I glance at poor Jack, who is completely excluded from this conversation.

“Sure. Let's be ten and play monopoly.” I shrug, glancing at Jack again and motioning with my shoulder for Miles to invite Jack over as well, just to be polite and we need to bond with him after all somehow, so a sleepover would be a good idea. I pretend to have done nothing as Jack looks at me.

“You want to sleep over, Jack? I should have enough places, Alex sleeps on my bed since he's a fucking queen anyway. Jamie can take the sleeping bag, so that his hands are tied and you can take the couch or floor.” Miles asks, smiling at Jack. At least we all try to bond somehow, which is always nice and makes it somehow less lonely than it could have easily been.

“Um, yeah, sure.” He says, a bit unused to us addressing him in the conversation most likely. “That is nice of you, since I just joined.”

“Well, you are a part of our team.” I say as I turn to face him. Jack just nods.

“In my previous team we kind of spoke to each other, but not that much. Just some chatter, but no sleepovers or anything, so this is new for me. But it's nice.” He says and smiles briefly at us. He is pretty attractive and I'm starving for anyone who I can imagine who isn't a porn star and I haven't really fallen too low to search very frantically online.

“Of course it's nice.” Miles pauses to think of a comeback and then looks at Alex, who just shrugs, but around the time I notice Alex's eyes light up and I can only guess that the pizza guy is bringing the food finally after all of this weird chatter we usually have and they have to witness and hear above all. The television is off today which makes me wonder how much he had heard and how much he wishes we went somewhere else.

“Are you going to sit there with no filthy addition, Miles?” I ask him, smirking and now it's Miles' turn to flip at me once the pizza guy leaves for the other two pizzas which belong to me and Jack.

“I'm tired and hungry. And on top of everything my arm is still aching from your fucking tackle.” Miles winces touching his aching arm.

“Well, you fucking deserved it. You were too busy yelling something at Alex, which I can't even remember now, so of course you just had to lose the ball somehow, who cares if it was with a bit of force?” I ask taking the knife and fork in hand.


“Well, maybe your mum should have fucking taught you that you should be nicer to fellow football players and not just ram into them. No manners, Jamie, no fucking manners.” Miles sighs mockingly and takes his own cutlery.

-

I should pat myself on the back, I'm trying to keep a schedule where I'm posting at least once a week, so let's see how it goes and how my mental health will allow it. 

I don't think I've ever written so much dialogue and overall I don't think I write so much talking like ever. I tend to focus more on what's going on in the mind, so it was a nice change. And it was very refreshing to do it after writing To Miles and mourning that I had finished part 1. 

I really just kept writing like crazy and just kept going on and on, rather than having some backstory. 

This is actually pretty longer than I had expected and I'm having a brief break from it, picking it up every once in a while to write like anything else which isn't To Miles really. 

I hope you enjoyed it and tell me if you've enjoyed it so far

Thank you

<3

Jamie  

Friday, 27 January 2017

To Miles 60

 I watch him as he just keeps going through a few poems, wondering how come we had managed to even get so fucking close to each other. It felt weird to even feel a love so close, it felt like something which would never happen while looking out of the windows while doing homework, feeling like the spiral of being lonely at school lasted forever. I thought that the only love I would feel would be for Matt and I seemed okay with accepting that and I would go to bed thinking that I've accepted and sealed my fate. I just kept staring at him, wondering what was with me and conversations. How come was it so that I would talk much more to my mom?

I just shook the thought away, as Jamie closed the book and then inspected the plain cigarette holder. Well, it wasn't anything fancy and I knew that our salaries had a big difference and I knew that I just couldn't really win him over with anything bought by money because anything I could get would be something that he could easily get as well. I didn't even know what to say besides just keep staring at my dear lover who I seemed to be infatuated with.

“Thank you.” He said again. I never saw him with a cigarette holder and I wondered if he would change it. I could completely see him doing that, just because I had given him it. Then he sat up as well, looking around the room. “I didn't really get you anything on shore, because we didn't have any stops while you were out. So it was... kind of feeling completely trapped without you.”

He paused.

“It was as if I had never met you and I had just broken up with Miles. It wasn't too good. The only good part was that Carlos managed to do a good drag show once, but even then it was without you... Even if you haven't been on stage with him in a while, I kind of hoped that you would somehow happen to show up and everyone would just start clapping because you're always the most interesting and attractive.” I flushed at his words, just standing there naked with my bag besides me, not even sure where to put my hands with all the compliments. I just smiled just as shyly. I missed his talking, how he would just open up whether it were about the good times or the bad times, I'd even enjoy talks of Alison in the dark of how they had started dating or how they would manage to get lost on brief road trips when Alison was pregnant, giving Jamie too much of a scare. I even enjoyed weird stories of how Karen had found herself and Jamie was killing off the crush.

Jamie had even once thought of pushing her off the ship, for the sole factor that she had refused him, realizing not only that she was a woman all along, but that she wasn't really that keen on men either. I remember that I had burst out laughing so hard, thinking that I'd manage to wake the entire ship as I pictured Jamie, as he said, he had even crept on her and she looked at him at the right moment for him to stop. That had been ages ago and as I stopped laughing I had felt a bit jealous, wondering if anything had been left for Karen, since they were such good friends now. But then how many relationships with men had turned or rather remained as friends other than something more?

I wondered how much had he loved her that he decided that it would be better to love her dead rather than see her be with someone else.

“Yeah, sorry I kind of realized that drag wasn't my thing at all. Like it was fun and all... But yeah. I'd rather be behind the scenes sewing dresses for everyone, frankly.” I confessed, probably admitting that I'd be Carlos' bitch now, as he'd whine to make the dresses better, puffier, some more ridiculous and some just more feminine. He seemed to stage everything, make a whole hype around the show, to make sure that as many sailors as possible would attend and that all would leave very happy, pleased and I wondered if erections were something he considered among the sailors who would hook up or just jerk off to the image of him in a dress.

“Well... why don't you do that then?” He asked me. I scratch the back of my head, thinking.

“I'm sure he'll force me at some point. But I could offer myself to his slavery again.” I confess, realizing that I really wouldn't mind killing some time off from the day, since I wouldn't be able to hang out with Jamie anyway and it would be good to hang out with the other guys. I actually felt myself curious to hear what else were they going to tell me. I tried not to think about Julian and who would his replacement be, but I knew that Carlos would still make it work and maybe Thom and Jonny would be fit. Well, Carlos wouldn't care and force them in anyway. Miles was always up for it, because it was a great laugh for him. I wondered how he felt with Jamie watching, if the world would shrink to a former lover. I wondered what was even going on with Miles' thoughts while I was gone and if he would think of Jamie at all.

I knew Jamie would think of him, as he had mentioned.

“Were you alright though?” I ask him and think of his offer to go onshore. Jamie smirks and shakes his head.

“I'll need to buy a lot of alcohol now.” I look at him. “Because I cleaned myself completely.”

He gives out a short laugh.

“I really missed you and it was just... sad. And it's not like I was on shore and could find the company of someone else. It was literally just me and Brian, so that wasn't too fun. It was two men sitting and waiting for lover letters. I don't really talk to many, as you know. Frankly, it's just you and Brian on the ship.” He rubs his eyes. “Well and the sailors who I'll yell to mop the deck. That's all the interactions. And a bitchier Miles this time.”

I wait and don't respond to his pause, waiting to hear what had been going through Miles' mind.

“He just... was very angry at how many sailors are getting sent away, but I still sent away the list you gave me, all spread out.” He talks for once in a work manner, as if he's my superior again. “I just told him to fuck off and mind his own business.”

Jamie looks away.

“Overall he came up a few times, just to nag and it was odd, I'd ask him to talk to me outside, so that nothing could happen and he would just nag about this and that. I'd have to tell him to fuck off every time and tell him to wake up earlier than the rest and do the decks. The deck was sparkling on those days.” He smirks.

I could easily imagine Miles really angrily mopping the deck, that's why it would be so shiny or maybe he himself was killing time with his own thinking, wondering what the fuck would happen to everything. I would possibly do the same thing and the more I thought of war, the harder everything seemed to be. It would just make me panic, specifically through shore leave, that anything could happen at all and the world was slowly sinking with fear.

“You want to dress up then, we can always talk on the way to wherever you want to go.” Jamie suggested, standing up and making steps towards me to kiss me hastily. The truth was the fact was that I had no idea where I wanted to go, maybe grab something to eat and walk around very discreetly. I enjoyed shore leave, because we could always meet up and then spend the day together, planning out where to go which wasn't an area where we would be seen and that would be it. He started picking up his clothes and I followed him.

“Yeah.” I say a bit too late, as both of us are dressing in our usual sailor attires. I still have Miles dancing in my mind and I'm sure he would dance in his head as well. He was like a little devil, always making fun of both of us regardless of how much time we had spent fucking him. I watch Jamie do his tie. Soon enough we are ready and we just fix our hats.

“I just need to drop my bag and take a change of clothes, really.” I confess as Jamie himself looks around, probably wondering what could he even change into with this hot weather. The weather barely ever has any mercy on clothes and specifically uniforms. As he ponders what to wear from his closet, I wonder where could we even meet now.

“We'll meet at the street we met last time we were here, yeah?” Jamie confirms with me. I try to stretch my mind. “It's near the tobacco store. The small one.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, I remember it now.” Because we had both run out of cigarettes last time and I had to win some over poker and I would carry him some boxes, only to gamble again a few weeks later. We didn't even check the prices, we were so traumatized by the lack of tobacco we were risking that we bought it right away. It was rather small as well, but had plenty of the ones we needed.

We briefly departed, as Jamie was left in front of the closet, choosing how to attract me with his choice of clothes and I had to drop off my things back into my coffin locker. I made my way down, feeling everything familiar and if I wasn't going to meet up with Jamie so soon, I would take my time, look at everything, but it already felt like I had never left, specifically when I had entered the room filled with our bunks and no one was in. Everyone would be so eager to just go outside, specifically after a month in this case. There was no lie, every shore leave was always exciting because it was very often somewhere new and there would be something going on, if you wanted to find that of course.

I still couldn't understand the void that had been left from Matt when so many men had waltzed in and out, that so many men I had changed and who had changed me as well. I couldn't understand why was I so empty and I knew that most likely I'd be holding it until evening, when the lights would be off and when wine starts working like medicine, calming down and letting the worries dissolve, allowing me to seep through Jamie's skin and remain there. Let me be his blood. Or maybe I would just raise the subject to my lover right away, as we walk the streets of the busy city. I just took out everything that I didn't need and took a change of clothes with me. We would usually sneak into cafes just to change what we were wearing or if it was winter, we would just take off the hats. But such wasn't the case.

Maybe we should be more careful, but somehow luck seemed to be on our side, besides Carlos who would eye me if Jamie would walk up to our turret and ask how were we doing, very Captain-like, but that wasn't enough to wipe the ideas out of the loader's head and I couldn't blame him, I just wished that he wouldn't talk.

I was surprised about Miles not talking about two former lovers of his either. I wondered what kind of gay code had we entered, since he knew that I was sending off other men. Maybe he found it hypocritical to send us off when he was accusing us off doing that to rest, but seeing Miles as noble was not surely something I wanted to move my tongue about.

Sometimes love just fades and I wished that it were the case for both me and Jamie about Miles, but he would always thread through and visit my mind in circles. It was odd how many men I was juggling, even if plenty were long out of the picture and never to be seen in such a love light again.

It didn't take me too long to get to the tobacco store, yet I had taken my time, realizing that Jamie would probably prefer if we had exited the ship at different times and I tried to think of another route and had to ask for directions, recalling the street name and asking a few times for windy ways to get there. But Jamie was late, I figured he really took time to choose the shirt he was wearing, which was plain, but something he would wear.

“Did you take your time choosing clothes or?” I ask politely and holding a smile, holding from kissing him as well as a greeting. Even if we had never kissed in public, it was something that I would always get the urge to do.

“I figured that it would be better if you went first, so I really took my time.”

“That's funny... 'cause I thought the same thing.” I smiled at my lover. “I actually took my time.”

Jamie laughed lightly, as we slowly made our way into the tobacco store and took our time there, much learned from the previous experience and paid for our cigarette needs. Once we walked out, I got offered cigarettes from the cigarette holder and I just smiled back at him, quickly squeezing his shoulder, a bit too cautiously, maybe the men who seldom hold the other in public are always the queer ones? That was something I asked Jamie aloud, causing him to think and even take a while between drags.

“That would make sense though.” He thought aloud. “The men who are sure in their sexuality wouldn't mind something, but still it's all about acting heterosexual enough as well.”

“Which we clearly don't fit the part of.” He breathed the smoke out, as we waited to cross the street. “Or the rest of the goddamn navy for that matter.”


-

I'm actually back to writing To Miles, I took a break again because I was so tired and I found it hard to write. Now I'm back to writing feelings, thoughts and what's going on in my mind rather than story telling. I wish I could find a medium, but that never happens with me so alas. But I'll try to update more often since I've got plenty of To Miles and Offside to update and I've been writing other things as well, of course. 

It's a nice thing to go back and relive and a bit weird because I'm so far ahead and in part 2 when I post these chapters. 

I really like to squeeze out my relationships into writing and possibly once Jamie turned over I really based the strong love off what I have with Callie and even try to heighten it as much as I can, make it sort of ridiculously strong, because I usually feel complete with two people, but it's really a love which consumes them both and is still at very early stages so of course it's very heightened and there's also the whole thing that it's hard for them to be together and their time is very limited to the night and some outings. 

I frankly thought of the epilogue well possibly years ago now. And I kind of show hints here and there of what's to happen. 

I really just storytold and went ahead with it like crazy since it was Nanowrimo. 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so. It would really motivate me 

Thank you

<3

Jamie

Thursday, 5 January 2017

Offside 2

I feel as if I have his stare on me the whole time we do warm ups. I feel like I can't really stretch in peace, as I wonder if he had even met another queer guy before. Because it really felt alone growing up and not really knowing what the hell was going on with me and what kind of demon should I really be exorcising. So maybe he hadn't really met anyone queer yet. What if he was from some part where people are still heavily closeted and then boom, you get a queer. Well, if he will be one to actually ask me more questions I could ask him over pizza, if he decides to talk to me again that is. I hoped that he wouldn't avoid me like the plague because after all it's rather hard to have a striker which won't talk to me. We don't really have to be synchronized but should be a bit beyond hello and goodbye to properly work as a team. I already don't really count to be close to someone who keeps staring at me as if I'm a living dodo bird anyway.

“Today we're playing five a side.” The coach announces which is pretty much obvious to everyone since we don't really have any other team to practice with or play or embarrass ourselves against since our defence is frankly shit. “Jack, have the honors and choose your team. Miles, you too.”

When I just started playing I would usually get annoyed when I wouldn't be the one choosing the team but eventually it faded with age, but Miles choosing would always mean that he would take Alex right away. He'd stay away from the other Jamie for no good reason and choose Matt as his last one. Everything was very see-through, but then Jack would be choosing us blindly based on looks and now knowing that I'm gay. I just sighed and rolled my eyes at Jack choosing Matt because of his build most likely and I guess tall, sort of well built guys stay together. Then even more at Miles choosing Alex, as I would just stand there. It's Jack's turn and he looks at me. I would say he'd decide that he needs a midfielder, but he doesn't know my position yet.

“Jamie.” He says eventually after looking at our wide choice of boys. I even feel like pointing at myself, but I hold. I just join his side as the choosing continues and I wait, eager to actually start playing instead of doing nothing and having Jack stare at everyone and choose what the hell could they even do.

On really bad days I actually start asking myself if I even like football, which is a ridiculous question because I do enjoy it more than anything else, but the thing is that I frankly feel that life all around is terribly lukewarm, no matter what you do, it feels like there's still this top layer which keeps it from being too enjoyable and even medication for depression doesn't really lift that layer off, it just keeps me being low key depressed.

I do cheer up once Jack asks all of us confused which positions do we tend to play in, because it means that we will get to play soon and then all my thoughts will be about kicking, running and maybe tackling if someone is far too annoying with a ball.

“What? No one really told me their positions or anything.” Jack grumbles as Matt rolls his eyes at him. No one seems to be patient today, as if we were wrestling or kick boxing and were about to vent our damn anger out. Everyone announces their positions and that's when it hits Jack on what he's done, but everyone is too much of an asshole to point out earlier. “So... we've got three strikers, one midfielder and one defender?”

“Yup.” I say looking at everyone and wondering what the hell would I even do in Jack's case. Probably choose a different team. I look at our strikers. I'm guessing Jack is one. He wouldn't give up that position for sure.

“Alright, can anyone be a midfielder or defence? A fucking goal keeper?” He asks concerned about Miles getting two goal keepers. The coach is probably having a good laugh about it. I didn't really see it that way that he was trying to be cheeky, but then he was probably trying to be nice in the end of it all.

“I can be a goal keeper.” Matt suggests after a very awkward silence and the fact that we can hear Miles' team chattering about positions and some diabolical plan to actually manage to win over us, well Miles knows his team and they know what they can do and what they can't do really. While we're lost like kinder gardeners who just got handed a ball for the first time.

“Yeah, because you were banging your girlfriend all night, that's why you want a time out. You'll be praying that the ball doesn't go towards you.” The other Jamie complains.

“It's not my fault she's your ex-girlfriend, Cookie.” Matt scoffs at the other Jamie. Well, that was a turn of events I had forgotten about or some straight gossip I wasn't really paying attention to. Jack smirks at that, crossing his arms on his chest. It's like a really bad your mom joke gone wrong, where the guy is actually banging the other guy's mom.

The coach overhears us and sighs looking again at the poor choice of players which Jack had done.

“So, you're left without a goal keeper.” He sighs, fixing his long black hair back. He turns to face Miles. “Miles, you dickhead, give one of the goalkeepers and you'll get Matt. Switch now and we can start training now, boys.”

Matt waves at us and sends a kiss to Cookie, who just turns around as we get LJ, who I have no fucking idea how he can see without his glasses and he just looks plain weird, considering that we had gone to the same school and he attends my mom's book club. But it really feels like the whole town is here attending football because there is nothing else to do and to kill time.

Jack and Miles go to the middle to play rock, paper scissors to decide who gets the ball and in the meantime as I'm waiting and the other Jamie just pushes me, telling me to keep my eyes on the damn ball instead of spacing out.

“Fuck off.” I mutter under my breath and the game starts. Frankly both teams play like absolute shit and what I like about playing football is that all passes in a great blur of sweat and gasping for air and praying that someone will break their legs, both of them, and that I will get a water break. I get the ball very often, simply because Jack isn't the best striker and loses the ball more than half the time. Miles and Alex yell more obscenities at each other than play. We end up winning 5-0 somehow, literally because Miles and Alex couldn't be bothered today. Coach Julian asks for them both to stay behind, so I just take my time waiting for them since we usually go to eat out after practice usually because life is all about killing time even with people who spread rumours about you.

Jack looks at me sitting on the grass, as I wait.

“What are you waiting for?” He asks me and sits besides me. I just look at him, a bit bewildered that he's still talking to me, probably decided that there is nothing wrong with talking to the queer. It's only the cooties you should be worried about and as far as I know he's not planning to kiss me anytime soon. I decide to change shoes.

“For Miles and Alex. We're going to grab a pizza, really. We tend to do that after practice.”

“A pizza? Aren't any of you guys on a diet or anything?” Says the gym bunny, I assume, smirking at his sudden question. Probably Matt would be the only one who I see following some strict gym bunny diet, but even then he eats a shit ton of pizza when we invite him to hang out or when he tags along.

“No.” I shrug. “Why? Who the fuck am I planning to bang that would be counting my abs?”

I say that and realize that a reminder of my sexuality probably wouldn't be too much of a good thing now. But it's been said as I scratch my back. I shove my football shoes back into my backpack.

“Well, it's not just about banging girls...” He pauses and looks at me, as I raise an eyebrow, realizing that my sexuality will always be some sort of token about me and will be high up on my description since frankly I don't really have that much to tell about myself anyway. So maybe if sexualities make someone interesting, let mine make me interesting then. “Or boys.”

He said that so cautiously.

“Or boys.” I mock how quiet and shy his voice ended up being. Jack looks at me a bit taken back and red. But I decided to leave the newbie alone. “Then what is it about?”

“Looking good for yourself.” He claims.

“Do you honestly believe that?” I ask Jack curiously.

“Of course I do it to look attractive, but I'm just saying that it's not just the only reason, you know.” He says, shrugging and I just give him a look, as if he's lying and I don't bother to sugar coat it at all. He thinks about his next phrase for a bit and I give him the space, since we're waiting for Miles and Alex anyway. He's probably clinging to me because I met him first and he's terribly iffy on my sexuality. “Is it okay if I join you, Alex and Miles or is it some sort of... triad?”

“God no.” I smirk and then proceed to laugh at his comment. “I would never bang any of those. Ew. God, no. You can join and spice it up, we can be some sort of sleazy swingers then. If you're into that and you manage to turn those two into men.”

“So you're... the only one?” Jack asks me carefully, as if he's trying to determine who to stay away from and I'm guessing I happen to be in that quarantine zone he would be avoiding later on, as he will manage to meet the rest of the guys.

“Gay?” I ask and Jack nods. I scratch the back of my head. “Well, there's this guy I used to date, but he was bi and we don't really talk much more, naturally.”

“Oh, I'm sorry.” He says. I just wave my hand, showing that it doesn't matter anymore even if I'm frankly shattered and I keep refreshing Grindr and wondering how long will it take me to actually hook up with a 30 year-old from the neighbouring town which keeps writing to me, I am 18 after all, every 30 year-old's dream. I don't think I'm that desperate yet. Neither am I writing to the older gay men in our town. Jack then looks at his fingers. “I had a break up recently. Well, not that recent. She didn't want to have a long distance relationship, so she ended it with me.”

“Oh.” I say, he's probably waiting for me to announce the reason I had split up with Brian, but instead I just remain quiet and soon enough Alex and Miles wave at us, so the attention slides back to the two culprits and I wonder how in the hell do you manage to already talk about sexuality and break ups to a stranger? But then people hook up on hello, if they ever speak at all.

I look at Jack, as he doesn't really notice or pretends not to notice me staring at him, his curls in the wind. He's pretty good looking but surely straight, just like most football players even if frankly you can take and make any sport gay because it's a bunch of sweaty men running around and tackling each other every once in a while. It could well be gay, but it's pretty hidden from us homosexuals, even if there's plenty of talk of that guy being gay and the other and a third boning the first.


I have no idea how the fuck will having Jack on our team will even improve anything, since he's not that good but he could as well have been deadly terrified or nervous on his first day or he could have possibly not expected us to be this trashy? I glance at him again. Surely straight, so there goes all that belief that somehow this year will be different and there will be a new hot guy to fuck around with, because all the good looking guys are straight here, because there is simply not enough guys in this small town.

-

I finished the first part of To Miles during Nanowrimo and I was literally left wondering... what the fuck do I even write now? And I got feedback on Offside which really made my day at the time, so the story kept going through my mind and I was really feeling it, so I decided why not try and actually push it forwards and it's starting to look much longer than I had expected. I am also slowly writing the chapter after all the Nanowrimo written ones and now that my mindset is drastically different and kind of swamped with my own personal life, I'll try my best to keep it going as it was, but obviously personal life influences a writer and it always inspires me. But now it's overwhelming me, so I better get that to paper yet once again.

I dunno, it's really weird, because I always squeeze out everything I can from relationships for inspiration, I muse a lot and that's how like most of my stories are made. And until recent they've been the product of my empty mind just telling stories, so I'm glad to be back on the inspired playing field rather than just telling stories. 

Offside so far is me telling stories and imagining things. 

I ask a fuck load of questions to Callie who is a much much bigger football fan than I am. I just enjoy watching, while Callie is pretty hardcore, but this was still a topic I was itching to write about a lot. 

Offside is probably one of the lightest stories I've surely written and filled with humor and a bunch of talking, which I'm pretty unused to but was terribly fun to write. 

I've been pretty depressed and anxious recently, which causes me to think a lot about life and kind of sets the darker tones of Offside's background. 

If you enjoyed it, please tell me so, gives me great motivation

Thank you so so much

<3

Jamie

Thursday, 29 December 2016

No. 1 Party Anthem 10

I always found it terrifying how you could simply erase gay people, that in some cultures they are so frowned upon, that some go on in their lives never meeting someone open about it and it's not hard to just consume media which never mentions gay people as well. When I was told that I wouldn't be accepted because my parents stated they knew little to none, I kind of started shying away from media which just depicts a straight cis life, because I understand what crime those shows end up doing. It's drastic, but I've got far too many wounds. And I looked at Alex, wondering if he had grown up in the same way as we all have. But in the end I just pat him on the head, smiling lightly. It was all for show, because we all try to be a better person when it comes to meeting someone else for the first time, we get scared that we're not attractive enough and then once the time comes where you can either tell the truth or lie, we lie, wishing we were that lie.

I feel like I'm somewhat younger and more romantic for thinking of a reply among the lines of it's about the person you have sex with, but then you can easily have good sex from a hookup, even if my luck had been rotten recently, but Alex was a hookup. I try to remind myself that.

I never understood why the love stories were always built on hookups, I wondered if that somehow would degrade us gay men to being whores, but in the end that just becomes a cliché we have. Just like some go from friends to lovers. Some things in life are predictable so that they seem secure and it's easier not to ponder about it to the point of exhaustion. I wonder if this would be my love story as well.

I just stretch my hand to go through his gelled hair, which is in his usual neat quiff and I can imagine him building it right after brushing his teeth and then look at himself, not blinking, to make sure it stands still and proper. Out of politeness, I don't go much through it.

Touching him makes me want some more. It's always like that with Alex, the hunger becomes animalistic. He looks back up and stares at me and neither of us say anything. I can only believe that there is something going on between us.

“What about you?” Alex asks. “I won't be the only one talking then. Even if you want to hear me talk.”

I realize that it's just something Alex is, terribly cautious and some qualities which don't get under my skin just rub me off the wrong way in the beginning, keeping me aware that I haven't fallen into some abyss just yet which I can't get out of. It's all because it's a question which I myself wouldn't want to answer, as so many years have passed that all the things just intertwine and I happen not to know which ones were really the ones happening. I look out of the window, but Alex doesn't change the subject.

“I always... kind of knew. I've tried women.” I pause. “Because that's what you're supposed to find sexy.”

I tap the table, looking back at the window with the opposite building slowly turning it's last lights off. Not everyone has a free schedule.

“Jamie came out as gay much before than I did.” I see that our friendship would always raise a few eyebrows, especially if I say that Jamie had allowed me to live with him after his parents kicked him out. I keep looking at the window, never wanting to see anyone's face who would expect some sexual resolution between my best friend and myself. “That got me thinking. If someone who I was so close to... came out as gay-”

“You liked him.” Alex blurts out and takes a sip of his tea and I look back to look into his brown puppy eyes. I just shrug, feeling myself get cold and even start shaking a bit from all the weights of the memories.

“That's what my parents thought as well. Before I could even fully comprehend that I liked him. They knew I was gay because I hung out with him, his parents kicked him out for being gay. I guess it was too obvious.” I pause. “He's a great guy. I just couldn't understand what was wrong with him... because it was something in me as well.”

I look at him.

“There is no grand finale, Alex, we never dated.” Alex just looks at me confused.

“Don't, like, you guys fuck your friends?” Is his even more at loss question, as I shake my head. I seem to be handing him more and more confusion. He just looks confused at the present, unaware of what else can come, but I want to close the subject. Then Alex decides to be cheeky. “We're fucking.”

I don't want us to be just fucking. But I don't say that aloud.

I want to somehow fall in love. I want to utterly be destroyed by it, I want to be obsessed and I want the vulnerability and infinity of protection and laughter that comes with it even if it means laying drunken on the floor heartbroken by the end of it.

I want to see how Alex would taste, how would it taste to be fully immersed in him even if I enjoy the sarcasm he shares, I want him fully laying in front of me, I want to forget all the love I've felt and dabbled in before, I want to completely be dissected myself and know that no ghost would look back in the winter's window.

“That's because you want it to be so.” I say swiftly, showing how much I belong to him, because when you're tired you let the beloved take the steering wheel.

“Miles, this is a two player game. You're cheating just as much as I am.” He taps the cup and somehow, all the desire to listen to him talk goes stale and I look outside, all lights gone and the upcoming winter sounds far more hollow than it should be. I wonder if he had wanted to tell me this all along, but I shall always be one to blame as well.

“I completely know.” I admit. I'm not sure that had registered within my mind entirely though. Because I still shift the blame onto Alex, even if I had waltzed into this with barely to much regret. I don't even know how to convey how lonely I feel. I don't know even how to speak properly on the despair I feel even riding the subway, not even getting pleasure from people spotting because all the mind drifts off to is the fact that someone is dating that one or maybe someone in the restaurant called in for a neutral territory but the drink will still be spilled at least on the floor after reaching the face of the former lover.

I would tell myself that I'd prefer it if I had someone else even for a brief while, that's why I had gone to the said party in the first place. I didn't know that the someone whom I'd be dancing with would be with the lights off so that his girlfriend wouldn't see it.

“I still want you to talk.” I confess, looking directly at him as he just seemed a bit uncomfortable for the sudden brush of breach of the NSA. I'm tired of rethinking loves that will never happen again.

“Well, what do you want to talk about?” Alex asks me, stretching out his hands on the table so that they nearly reach my sides, it's a small table in a small place after all. Nothing too fancy, unlike Alex's house which I still wonder how he had managed to score with the current market ranking, but it could be Arielle's and there's just some backstory I am not aware of.

I just stare at my lover, not even knowing how to open up about one's struggles or how to make them speak of their own.

“I don't know.” I confess, confused to the bone where I am even going with this, but I feel as if I'm drinking and I'm about to open a pandora box, but maybe it's best to ask difficult questions at first since we are doing this. “I don't know. Are you engaged?”

Alex quickly shakes his head. I don't even know how this is supposed to be a sigh of relief, but I do it anyway.

“I do have a friend though, older than both of us and he's been engaged four times. Now he's married, but it took him four engagements...” Alex pauses. “Is that the sort of gibberish you wanted?”

Not to feel lonely, I want to add, but I just rest my head against my arms on the table. I motion for him to keep talking, because I'd rather have him on the steering wheel of talking. Have I fallen so low to ask a hookup which is cheating on his girlfriend to give me company? Have I sunk so low? I look into his dark eyes, which only reflect interest and a bit of confusion on where am I going with this. How lonely am I to tell myself this is okay and even drag Jamie's judgement along with mine?

How long will it take for me to tip over and end up in an even bigger mess? How much does he have to talk until then? And if everything does end how long will it take for me to forget? It all just started and unravelled, where is some guarantee that I will remain the constant hook up?

I don't know.

It's like he's engraved in my mind and I understand that it's better to think of him than some suicidal thoughts and he had yanked me out of some turmoil, where I'm just stuck pondering where else does my life go. Where does it lead and how come is everything so bleak? It wasn't a good place where I pondered too much about religion and how come I start working from bed and eat in bed. It's not something I would like to reveal either. It's probably not the best to reveal to your hookup that somehow, they had saved you.

Supposedly we get love when we don't look, but from what I see is when we need it the most. That made me think of fate and religion a lot. But I was too depressed to even think of it clearly, that there was some silver lining, all I could care about was the fact that I would somehow manage to the next day. Jamie had Brian at the time. I had no one, I even wished for something with turmoil, because I felt that it would wake me up from my depressive slumber. And yet the more I get from Alex the hungrier I get for him.

“Anything.” I sigh, looking at him, wishing for him to speak and I ponder if I really force it too much upon him, but the question remains, why do I want him to speak so badly? Why do I force it? Why do I get such a trembling fear of losing him? I look at the table with our hands far too close, but I'm not his girlfriend to touch hands and the intimacy, the dynamics are awfully different. I'm just a hookup with issues that I want to be loved somehow.

“How come you never made a move on Jamie?” Alex asks me and I can only wish he's just probing the water with some jealousy, but I'm more than convinced that it's his straight curiosity on what the hell happened between us.

“I mean, there was always Brian-” I start.

“No, it's not about the boyfriend. What stopped you exactly? Like... that's an excuse you would give yourself, but there was surely something deep down holding you back.” Alex says and moves his hand, possibly wanting to point at me but decided otherwise last minute. Instead our hands get even closer and I want to stroke his hand, but that would really shatter the 'no-strings-attached' thing we are sort of aiming for.

I tilt my head in confusion at first, but the thing is... it's not really something I even thought about before, not something I had thought I would have to dig deep.

“I guess... rejection?” I say, a bit confused, but Alex seems to ponder on my answer, just looking at me, scanning me, as if to see if I'm actually spilling the truth. “I obviously never thought about it. I just always assumed that why would Jamie even look twice at me.”

“He took you in. You guys lived together for a fair while.” Alex shrugs. “It's not something I believe in a lot. Friendship, that is. Long lasting one. Like you always shuffle friends unless they're co-workers because then they can't really go anywhere so you're forced to be friends with.”

He clearly doesn't think of me twice, why do I bother thinking and struggling so much to keep some sort of relation with him? How much does it even take to make one fall in love with you? And why do I label something as love anyway? It's all because Jamie had asked me so. I know that he doesn't feel the same way and it should be a tape that I should play on repeat in my head until my head explodes and only then I'll stop thinking about it.

How long has it been that I've actually started falling for someone who seemed to at least agree to my partner in a dance and had gotten through with it?

I knew that even opening my gob about it, to come clean would be possibly be the world's worst idea. I knew that crying to Jamie that I wanted something messy and exciting was a bad idea. It was all my fault, because I was stupid enough not to realize how much does something one sided ache. It's not like I've never been on that side, because I have, but it's stupid of me to wish something like this and now I'm stuck, asking that somehow he would feel the same way.

It feels like trailing nails on a board. I'm the one screwing my life up. It's my own nails.

I can't possibly tell him that one more thing and I'll be tipped over and drowning. Drowning isn't good, I was drowning with my love for Jamie. I was never saved in the end I had to swim from underwater myself. I know what I'm getting into.

“I guess.” I say, I am much asocial as they can be with frankly Jamie and a couple of other friends. But by the end of the day I always feel lonely and like a loser. I realize that I should say more to keep the conversation going and Alex looks at me, nodding at me to fucking continue. “I'm not one to have many friends. I kind of get entangled in more relationships and everything. Look at me and Jamie, that's the sort of thing I end up with. I end up developing feelings far too much.”

I know I'm talking to much but if I could I would stroke his goddamn face.

I would become productive if I could, but instead I just call Jamie and talk of Alex. I overanalyze everything and I barely manage work. I don't even know where to go from here.

“Alright.” Alex says.

“But I think there's that point where you decide whether you become friends or lovers.” I ponder out loud, knowing that I've said it to Jamie before. I feel like I'm just frantically repeating myself. “Like... with you and Arielle, I guess. You decided to go ahead and have a relationship.”

I don't dare to say us. I don't even want to know what we are and I know that I'm always flirting with him in this odd way I do, which is talking a lot and praying that he would get it. I'm surprised we never met over Grindr, because this could be a success story somehow.

“Because you could have remained friends.” I say, nearly shrugging. Alex drinks his tea and I'm guessing it's pretty much lukewarm by now. I want to ask him, what would being lovers mean to you. What's the recipe? What is it that tips from friends to lovers? And how can I get the right ingredients because I would really love to have something with you?

Alex snorts.

“I love Arielle, but being friends with her... Just friends.” He ponders on it. “Yeah, I guess it could work.”

Fuck. I don't even know why I'm sad anymore. I don't even know how many more paranoia thoughts will lurk behind me during the night.

“But we'll surely not remain friends, if something were to happen.” Alex puts the mug down and bites his lip, looking at me. I feel my heart sink, but I really know that it all means nothing and we're just hooking up, because I initiated it and Alex wanted to see how did it really feel to be with a fellow man.

“What makes you say that?” I ask him and I wonder how the fuck does this even aid me in any way. If I would be able to get together with him, I wouldn't really care about his exes. Instead here I am sulking, because he doesn't feel the same way and he's pretty stuck with his girlfriend.

“She's not one to remain friends with exes and can't say I keep too close to exes either. There's a reason things didn't work out and sacrificing friendship isn't really one of them.” Alex keeps his eyes focused on me and I can't help but look back at his brown eyes, feeling some warmth even if it's not really coated in love or anything. Just some sort of understanding and curiosity, some sympathetic feelings maybe? “You, Miles?”

“Neither, frankly. I'm surprised me and Jamie keep in touch after all the feelings I had hidden.” I laugh a bit darkly. “But then he doesn't know and I would really rather keep it that way.”


We both sit in silence, Alex probably thinking too much about Jamie and I can only pray that there is some jealousy, because when you're desperate you'd rather have any feelings which could resemble any love.

-

Well, this story started to hit home ridiculously for the time being. With the fact that I had started it years ago and now I can finally hug Miles and say some words of encouragement, without knowing what to tell myself. But it's still very different, but of course it matched my mood so I binged the last 900 words or so. I've been slowly writing it and ever since I ended up tangled up I've been writing it slowly with a line here and there. 

I should be posting To Miles and Offside, but since I finished the chapter, I figured, why not? And then the backstory will be fresh to tell in my mind. It's weird because backstories are like my diary really where I just end up venting... to people. Like we all do these days. 

I was in a terribly lonely place when I started writing this, so my mindset was all... How do you possibly get to talk to people who you like and now I'm like, shit, how do I still get them talking though? Since I'm kind of used to a conversation rather than the start of it. Of course I panic when I see that the topic is running out, because I'm a paranoid thing. 

Now onwards to the story, rather than overall. 

I was actually told that because none were known that was a reason not to accept me. Because in our society gays and trans doesn't exist. It's pretty bad, so I just vented on that. 

Yeah, I was always confused and pondered if things really escalated from hookups, so it's quite ironic now. 

I kind of went on the topic of friends and fucking in depth and I have been discussing it overall with a few people, so kind of some thoughts really crawled into this chapter. 

While I was really struggling with being with only partner, Callie was a sweetheart to me and would spend all the time with me which they still do. I still felt terribly lonely and all, but Callie would tell me all these stories, digging out from memory and the engagement story just felt like something I could add. Usually when I just start liking or loving someone I really dip our conversations into stories or whatever is happening, which I still do, but because frankly I've been inspired by Callie for over 6 years now, sometimes it's harder to get fresher inspiration since love becomes blood. I really struggled with it because I tried to be mono, but it's really not for me. 

There's a lot of reaccuring thoughts, because well, that's what happens when you're screwed or at least when I am.  

I'm terribly daft when it comes to seeing other people's feelings and realizing that they are into me. I'm awful at it, so I gave Miles that gift of mine. 

When I dated my ex girlfriend I did a lot of drowning from love metaphors, so kind of having a one sided thing in Miles' case kind of reminded me of that. So I included that in. 

I kind of spoke a lot through out the story, which was very personal, like the jealousy last bit, so yeah. 

I hope you enjoyed it and hopefully my inspiration will last long and I'll have the mental health to write everything down and whatnot. 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so

Thank you

<3

Jamie