Quite a while back, I had a popular story called Stale Smoke In A Running Circle which focused on the story of a questioning their gender Alison, it was a Kills fanfic, which gained life of it's own and now many years later, I've decided to change the setting and write the unwritten at the time.
It's now fiction, set in Portugal and absolutely bizarre.
They say there is a sadness which doesn't allow one to create and one which does. But what about the happiness which consumes one and somehow love crawls under the skin?
Or is there just some passion gone terribly wrong?
I would never knock on his door, expecting everything to go wrong, instead I drive myself crazy with all the thoughts and making up all the odd stories in my head to kill time. I imagine all the scenarios in which he would love me just as desperately as I would or some reality where he would just push me over and I wouldn't be talking to myself on the couch while staring at the ceiling, making sure that Kate is asleep, the thrill of the honeymoon long gone which I will never recall and all reality blurred to such an extinct that I don't even know if I am drinking any more.
I do nothing.
I've told myself the real story all the time, making sure that I've remembered and forgotten every detail of his skin and how it had felt to kiss his love against his lips. The problem is that there is no ending, no spoilers and nothing to hint anything otherwise. There is just a crashed by my own mood and feelings bachelor party. There are feelings which have gone sour for anyone else. I can only think of my own ending to brace myself to sleep. And maybe that is solace.
Maybe I'll forget your face someday, but for now it's pure agony and I've made my decision with another woman. Be the story teller before I sleep, lure me into those dreams where neither of us are cowards and where we both lose ourselves, I don't really believe that somehow we are not whole but we would surely become something.
To describe something wild, nothing comes to mind to fit it and how to describe it.
When does love collapse?
Why does it end in a whimper?
Why does the receiver of the last letter never respond?
Where do the kisses of love go?
And when will I ever stop telling myself all these stories where we had once loved each other?
The last story is always the truth,
That you were my muse.
That you carried me through life, only
To immerse me in water one last time
So that when I open my eyes
I would see the stars
And you hidden in the dark.
There will never be a truth as vivid
As the one I've told.
Take those steps back, with me in your arms.
Take a future where we fear no man.
I will always mourn.
I've decided to finish off my favourite stories or reveal the final chapters, so that there is nothing left of fanfiction which I didn't neglect. There are a few stories which are on hiatus, which maybe will be turned to fiction later, but for now, I'm showing these loved stories their deserved ending.
Blunderbuss started many many years ago and whenever I had a short idea, it would be tied into this bizarre AU. By the end I had a connection with a guy, which ended up being doomed, so I decided the last chapters to our brief relationship. It seemed like a fitting story to pour my feelings into.
The story ended way before the relationship had, if I recall correctly. It holds how I thought things would end. It's sad to end a story which spanned many years, but here it is.
Thank you for the support and it had been a request originally, back when I had done those. I just want to say thank you.
Life is short. We don't realize it because we're constantly fighting
and that's how we get distracted by the lightning fast pace of it.
I realize that when I meet Lana again, while me and Jamie decided to
eat out, after fishing out all the stupid documents I had ended up
scattering all over the house. I never cared much about my birth
certificate and once we found it, I stared at it for a long while, as
if it was somehow a reminder of my mother. Was that the last gift? My
name? It made me think for a while, as Jamie watched me.
Maybe we should all ask for forgiveness? Maybe there's a point in
She's in a red dress, as I catch her hand before the bathroom. Sister
or not, we were together for a while. Lana stares at my own hand,
slowly removing it, confused at the sudden touch. Jamie headed out
for a smoke. We're leaving the place.
I wanted the house.
“Have the house.” I say. She tilts her head and even narrows her
eyes at me, expecting some backstabbing since I happen to be more
than excellent at that. She looks around, probably wondering where's
Jamie and if he's wired with something to take to court. Lawyers are
lawyers after all.
“What?” She asks baffled. I can see that we've both gotten older
and I always forget to take care of myself, while Lana on the
opposite with her status as a trophy wife does everything to look
“I don't want it.” I say. Maybe she's wired and she steps closer
to me, as if to make sure that I'm saying the things she is hearing.
“But you live there.”
“Ah.” Of course. From who she could've heard? No one. I'm sure
Jack as displeased as he was, didn't call my sister to tell her that
his boyfriend left him to try with his ex-spouse again. “Jamie's
got a place.”
an apartment in the city. Where are you going to paint?” How does
she even know? But then maybe word spread, it's not like we have a
different circle of friends.
“I don't need that much space to paint.”
“You always claimed that you did.”
“I was an asshole.” I shrug, recalling how I would make a
commotion for mom and Lana to leave the garage alone because my huge
room wasn't enough for me at all, because I was just being greedy.
Lana just smirks slightly, crossing her arms and I look down at her
huge heels. She feels so stereotypical, but she always wanted this.
All she's missing is the children which will come along the way in
the next few years.
“For being an asshole?” She reaches into her purse and pulls out
a box of cigarettes, also to indicate that she is done with this
conversation and would join anyone else outside, which isn't Jamie,
since she still has all reasons to hate him. You'll always hate the
person who you were left for.
“Yeah.” I pause. “I mean, not that.”
“Go on.” I catch Lana's attention. A woman walks past us, still
fixing her hair after the mirror. Lana sighs and looks at her
manicured nails. I never liked having long claws, but as years went
on hers got longer and longer and I would tell her how impractical
they were, but she wouldn't listen.
“I'm sorry for... Jamie. I'm sorry for leaving you.” I leave it
vague, because people are listening, women are listening as they fix
their make-up. Lana looks away, biting her lips, rubbing her arm with
“It took you more than seventeen years to say that.” She says and
I can see that she's holding from making her voice break. Lana looks
back at me and I see her eyes shimmer. I've left her alone. We didn't
really have many friends. We were always there for each other. I
always imagined our forgiveness differently, I'd think we would get
back together, I'd even think that we would hook up for time's sake.
Maybe there's some love which doesn't last. We've been so distant.
And I've discarded her.
Now I cross my arms before I wrap my arms around her, as she begins
to cry. We've grown. We've grown apart. Maybe it's best that we're on
track. I move her from side to side, as if we're small again. Lana
gives out a small laugh and eventually pulls away from me.
She wasn't even angry at mom for long.
She leans in, but then leans back, smiling.
It's all gone.
I smile back.
That's pretty much it. I'll try to give justice to the few stories that I actually finished. I enjoyed the whole love triangle between Lana/Alison/Jamie I had created quite a while back. Maybe I'll use it in some sort of way in fiction, who knows. I love revisiting old stories and looking them through.
I know this last chapter is very long overdue, but I hope it is still loved.
I thought it would be longer, I knew that it would go differently, that Jamie/Alison would be endgame and whatnot.
I'll really miss writing fanfiction full time and I do. But I've been working a lot on new stuff, even if I'm on a brief hiatus currently, because when am I not?
RV made me think a lot and it'll forever have a small place in my heart.
A relationship of mine was long forgotten until I started a relation with a trans woman, making me look back, see a bunch of parallels. Lots of regret and bitterness which made this story exist. I haven't bared my bones like this in a while and stories about women are ones I don't write.
I was desperately in
love with us and when Jamie became a lawyer, because he didn't want
to pursue the artist and photographer life, that was when the first
thoughts of doubt struck me down. I didn't have such a backup, I
never thought of other things I could do and it would send me into a
frenzy as if I was some whiny teenager which would get told to work
instead of enjoying idle teenage life. My teenage life was a turmoil,
so I compensated by dragging that attitude with me. I ended up having
to grow up faster, because I didn't want to be treated as something
other than an adult and getting Jamie as a boyfriend seemed like an
act of rebellion which I thought an adult would do. After all, people
turn heads when your boyfriend is ten years older and you're barely
legal. He was a friend of a friend who was doing a photo show in the
city. The photos were absolutely bizarre, with everything ranging
from milk cartoons to sexual partners grinning after fucking.
Jamie was far from
my first, but I remember that the night which we first spent was one
of the best fucks of my life and it somehow stuck to me, I became
attached even if I didn't admit it to him for a while and tried to
play it cool as much as I could, because I still thought I was a
girl, I didn't give too much thought to the discomfort I felt.
“What about your
sister?” He asks me. I was in love with Lana when we met. I broke
I tremble. I rub the
hickey with my fingers. I look into his deep green eyes. He has
nothing to fear, I cheated on Lana with him. He was never aware that
I had an incestuous romance with my sister. That I tormented my past
with all this thinking and now the Pandora box was back to being
open, because she was here and mom was maybe finally gone. Was I
happy? I was neutral because she was never there for us and now we
weren't even there for each other.
I don't cry, but my
shoulders shake and Jamie puts his hands on them. Maybe Jamie always
was the love of my life.
look away and he takes me by the chin, so that I would at least
glance back at him.
“What is it? You
might as well just put it to rest. I'm sure your mother's death is
bringing feelings back. Maybe it's best to bury all family drama.”
He offers, maybe he would've insisted if I wasn't crying, but instead
he just leaves it hanging in the air. “If your mother was someone
else, I'd say that it's best for her, but it's really all about you
now... and Lana.”
Lana never liked him
for obvious reasons, Jamie tried to get along with her the first few
years before realizing that he can't actually get along with everyone
he meets, even if it's often that he does. It seemed like a puzzle he
tried to solve by calling her over when I wouldn't be available and
make sibling in law time, but it never worked.
I would bite my
nails. I search a bit for a packet of cigarettes, but I shouldn't be
smoking inside much. But instead Jamie motions for me to at least try
to talk. I'm sure that I am pale as a damn ghost. I sigh and fix my
hair slowly, playing with it, pushing the strands aside. I look at
him, it never occurred to him for sure.
“I was seeing
someone when we met.” Jamie looks at me confused.
“What does this
have to do with your sister? Did you steal her boyfriend?” His
facial expression just gets more lost, as he seems to be tossing
different possibilities in his mind. I'm far too calm for my own
good. I take a cigarette box from his pants. Jamie reminds me of the
nearly lost lighter.
I start laughing as
if I'm drunk.
“I was seeing
Lana. I was fucking Lana.”
Jamie stares at me
even more confused. He opens his mouth to ask something, but instead
he notices that I'm not joking as I light the cigarette.
“That's why she
hated you. I dumped her after I met you.” I sniff. “I dumped her.
I hope that explains things. We've always had an odd relationship
since mother was an asshole to us and we had to rely on each other.
You don't want to speak of abuse to other people, when there's
someone going through the same thing you are. It just... makes
Jamie looks at me
wide eyed, not sure of what to say, just allowing his older thoughts
to be trumped by new ones. I'm sure there's enough things going
around in his mind.
“Is that why you
“No.” I pause,
emphasize. “No. Lana had nothing to do with it, she never forgave
me for leaving her. I left her as a sister too. I wanted nothing with
the household. I just wanted the nice house. I became nostalgic for a
while when I asked you to leave, but I never contacted her. You
know... what happened.”
“And you want me
to be a lawyer against your former lover and your sister?”
And I want you to
love me again. We kissed, can we go back to a simpler time where
kisses meant everything instead of now when sex can be a replacement
for one night not to feel lonely again? Even then the awkward
stuttering at the end just makes the loneliness come back full force.
I didn't even sleep with anyone after I broke up with Jamie. I just
wanted to be alone and find myself but like Jamie said, I sank and
could barely create. I couldn't find inspiration to do any art and
motivation to even go outside. I'm guessing he knows by asking mutual
friends or maybe they told him concerned, but imagining your
ex-husband asking if far more flattering.
I hate remembering
dreams that happened last night, because they always show a mirror's
reflection of my fears, scarier because they're behind me and I can
see them intertwine. In most of them Jamie's never there.
Jamie still looks at
me confused and digesting the fucking confession I just slapped
across his face. He doesn't make any degrading comments, because he's
grown even more quiet and polite ever since he became a lawyer.
Before we would both be very fired up, but then with age you realize
how much of an asshole you were. I can't help but wish that so many
things would come back. I don't care if I'm back to being in my late
teens or my twenties, I just want out of thirties and I want to see
him again daily.
I just look at him.
Such things don't happen overnight.
“That... never stopped me from loving
you. I just thought... that maybe I shouldn't keep the one lie I
“You could've told me that earlier.”
I watch him, trying to understand if he's hurt. “I knew how badly
your mother treated you both and it's screwed... that you had to turn
to each other like that.”
“We wanted to.” I say a bit
defensive, because we still were together and we were in some twisted
love even if it was a result of abuse. “You can't just put all the
blame on mom, by the end of the day it was our decision to fucking...
go ahead with this. We were the ones who put our mouth to it,
Jamie flinches a bit, I'm guessing it
is hearing about two relatives who were fucking to him after all. Not
that we are still a family, but he knew us both as siblings. I look
down and the hair covers my eyes.
“I just met you and felt something
new. Something I hadn't felt with Lana. After all, a sibling's love
is always different. You'd do anything for them but it's nothing that
will consume you in flames. I liked that and even if I didn't, I
wouldn't be able to stay away from you at any time.”
Jamie struggles visibly and I'm
guessing that it's whether to touch me or not, he eventually puts his
hand on my shoulder first, but then we've kissed already, so he puts
his hand on my cheek and I feel my whole body go breathless from his
rough touch. His hands were always the same texture no matter how
much I would nag for him to moisturise them and when he did, it
wouldn't work much. I look into his eyes.
switches the subject and looks away, behind me, just to find
anything, but his hand is still on my cheek.
“Did she ever
forgive you?” He asks, probably knowing the answer anyway, but it's
more of a confirmation or a way to start the subject forwards.
“No. That's why
we're disputing the house.” I sigh. I knew that if it wasn't for
the whole commotion, Lana would've stepped back easily, but maybe she
wants to keep the memories she thought I tossed away. I don't know
how would I make it up to her. How would I? I'm too scared to touch
his hand back or move. If I'm getting a cramp in my neck from leaning
against his hand, but I don't dare to even flinch in case he snaps
back to reality and takes his hand away.
“I see.” He
strokes my cheek gently and then we both end up in a silence, which
we would sometimes, just watching each other lovingly through out the
course of our long relationship. I get the urge to cry again.
“I... I love
you.” I say and my voice breaks. Jamie doesn't stop stroking my
cheek, but he's more than hurt.
just left me.” He takes his hand off my cheek and I grab it with my
own hands. Jamie tenses up, but lets it be held by me as I stroke it
now with my thumbs. “You never told me about Lana, yeah, it's not
like you cheated, but I never had any idea. You couldn't trust me to
the last bone in your body and...”
I look at his
slightly opened lips.
“What if you
never loved me?” I watch his mouth move slowly, I could trace it
with my fingers before.
“I loved you.”
I say it quietly, my hands grasping into his. “I never cheated. I
never... I only thought of Lana only after the divorce because I was
“Why did you
“Why?” I echo
his question back and it's my turn to stare past him. I shake my
head. “No reason will be enough to explain the sudden solitude I
I rub my eyes with
the back of my hand, leaving the other to still touch him, since he
would be going away forever soon.
“I just...” I
pause. “I got scared of change. You didn't want to live the
“I didn't want
to live in your mother's bedroom. I wanted something bigger for us.
Alison, I did it for us. Photography wasn't my forte at the end of
the day.” I sniff, recalling his shows and photos which would still
make us survive. I had him by my side all the days. “We can't live
like we're in our twenties and thirties again.”
I just shrug and
look away. Maybe it was best that we parted ways. He turns to face
me. I look down and then he leans closer and kisses me briefly. I
hold the kiss as long as I can before he breaks it.
never doubt that I loved you.” He says.
Jamie smirks at my
response and looks at me in the eye. “I never left.” He pauses.
“I wasn't the one to file for divorce.”
hold it against me.” I nearly whine, as he smiles watching me.
widens his eyes with a grin. My heart goes up to my throat. My own
eyes widen. I can't dare to ask. Jamie
notices my pale face. His own breathing gets harsher. I can barely
keep up with my own thinking, as it all seems to shatter into
nothing. All those thoughts and regrets, all gone with a sudden
glimmer of realization, but he says it anyway. “It's not like love
goes away when you've loved someone for over seventeen years.”
“Lots of people have midlife crises and go for a younger person.”
I say nearly mechanically, probably destroying the moment for no good
reason. Jamie smirks at that. “Where does their love go?”
“I still love you.” He interrupts me and kisses my forehead,
pondering for a while before leaning down to kiss me on the lips.
I actually did finish some of the stories and a year later since my last fanfiction post, I've switched to fiction fully now, but I have some which I want to see the light of day and maybe one day will be rewritten into proper novels. I don't know their fate and I just wanted to blow the dust off and give them some life.
RV was one of my favourite stories which I miss and was happy and I am terribly glad that I had ended it. I don't think I would've been happy having left it at an eternal hiatus.
There's one more chapter to go, so I'll be posting the few chapters of stories I have finished to make peace with them and I hope they will be enjoyed. In the current fashion of me being cryptic, here is RV's second to last chapter and I hope you've enjoyed my fanfiction over the years as much as I have.
If there is a story you'd like to see finished, most likely I have it or might just give it another shot and write an ending to it. Please feel free to ask.